5 Second Blogpost

I am running with a delicious boloney sandwich. Whoops, my fingers Wes Welker my masterpiece onto the floor! And my Oscar Mayer is mired all along the watchtower tile.

Quickly, I give my fallen sandwich the quick count. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, four one. . . And then I pick my fallen Tom Brady up from the floor.

Do you think my beloved lunchmeat is okay? After all, I have five seconds. Per the five second rule. Wait, you gotta be kidding! The five second rule has been ruled ineligible.

Can the 5-second rule be trusted? Not exactly. Germs are instantly transferred upon contact with a dirty surface. It doesn’t matter whether the food item has been on the ground for 5 seconds or 5 minutes; it’s still going to be germy. In a scientific study of the 5-second rule at Clemson University, students tested the 5-second rule.

In their experiment, they tested the ability of bologna and bread to pick up bacteria when dropped on various surfaces, including countertops and the floor. They concluded that bacteria is instantly transferred from surface to food, proving that the 5-second rule is not a safe guide when assessing food that has been dropped on the floor.

What a bunch of baloney! All over my floor. Apologies to Patriots fans everywhere. For my blog baloney. Apologies too, to baloney fans. (In the very likely likelihood that you are both a New England Patriots fan and an Oscar Mayer baloney boy or Oscar Mayer baloney girl, you only get one apology. No double-lunchmeat. Ten yard penalty if you double-dip.)

Fashion Wars: Giants Vs. Patriots

As previously recounted, I have no business remarking on fashion. But I noticed two clothes-y stories circulating in the media about both the Super Bowl teams, the Giants and the Patriots. First up, the Pats with their Uggs, courtesy of Tom Brady:

Markell Carter in Uggs

Patriots practice squad linebacker Markell Carter devised a plan to overcome these horrid circumstances.

When he woke up Tuesday morning, he slipped on a pair of UGGs.

“I got to walk around for about an hour and a half, two hours,” Markell Carter said.

“I got to talk. I got to do all this. I got to at least have my feet comfortable.”

Carter opted with a pair of gray UGGs for the event.

Teammate and UGGs spokesman Tom Brady made Carter’s color choice a harder decision than one would imagine.

Victor Cruz

Okay, so for the Pats, some comfy shoe, slippery thing. I like ‘em, to blog in. Not to be prancing ’round the field, near some clumsy O-liner. Those corn-fed boys will crunch my toesies. Anything rougher than this-little-piggy, you can count me out.

Next up, the Giants and Victor Cruz’s creation, the Young Whales:

In the summer of 2010, Cruz and fellow Giants rookie Nate Collins (now with the Jaguars) bonded over their passion for fashion.

They did some research, and by April they had started a company with initial investments of $5,000 each. By September, the duo designed their first line of clothes and were ready to sell online.

Victor Cruz, Young Whales Shirt

“I love it,” Cruz says. “I’ve always wanted to be involved in fashion and have my own clothing line and do some things like that. And now that I’m able to have one, it’s amazing.”

The line’s name, Young Whales, plays on the term “whale” being a high-stakes casino gambler. NFL fans might see some familiar faces on the company’s website.

Starting on a low budget, Cruz and fellow Giants wide receiver Ramses Barden were two of the original models.

Now that is some gear to blog in, t’s and Uggies. Me likey. . .

Angry Tom Brady

I am in a distinctly unfriendly mood.

The Hongkong and Shanghai Banking Corporation (HSBC) just conducted an Expat Explorer Survey, where they go around the world and rank countries on a number of different factors, like friendliest:

The World’s Friendliest Countries:
1. New Zealand
2. Australia
3. South Africa
4. Canada
5. United States

Who decided on ranking us during football season? I’m like Tom Brady in this headline:

Playoffs put Brady in cranky, intense mood

Angry Tom Brady

New England wide receiver Chad Ochocinco was so worried about the well-being of teammate and quarterback Tom Brady that he approached Deion Branch and Wes Welker and asked them if something was wrong.

“I was like, ‘Is Tom OK?’ You know, he’s intense, but this was like a whole new thing, man. They were like, ‘It’s that time of the year, you just have to understand’.”

Ochocinco said. “I’ve been around a lot of really competitive people and I’ve had Carson Palmer and Jon Kitna as my quarterbacks. You know that quarterbacks are a little different. They have to act a little different because of the position. But Tom has taken that to a whole different level.”

South African Krugerrand

Hey HSBC, why don’t you all come back to the US after the playoffs are done.

I heard Old Zealand bribed you all with kiwis, the Aussies with Ken and Barbie shrimps, South Afreeeka with, um, um, krugerrands, and Canada with maple syrup.

My concern: why you did not rank South Africa first (after they sent you those solid gold krugerrands) is certainly a mystery. . .

Culling the Hurd

Fans of the Chicago Bears, it has been a tough week. First Tim Tebow Tebowed y’all last weekend, 13-10. And just Wednesday, Sam Hurd was arrested. For this:

Hurd was arrested Wednesday night as he dined at a high-end suburban steakhouse with an undercover federal agent and a confidential government informant. Hurd spoke of his desire to become a drug kingpin, authorities said.

The Bears receiver and special teams leader, who is earning $2 million this year on the football field, allegedly told his companions that he needed 5 to 10 kilograms of cocaine and 1,000 pounds of marijuana every week. He was also allegedly looking for a cellphone from Mexico because he believed that it could help him evade federal wiretaps.

Wide Receiver Sam Hurd, ex-Chicago Bear,  faces 40 years in prison

This is sad. By all accounts from teammates, Sam Hurd appeared to be a good guy. What I quibble with is players, like Lance Briggs, calling Hurd’s actions a mistake. If the allegations are true, they are most certainly not a mistake:

Bears linebacker Lance Briggs said: “I think everyone is (shocked). Nice guy. Sam is a nice guy. Well liked, well liked in the locker room. He was a guy we were just all getting to know.

“You hate to see this happen to anyone. We all make mistakes, but like I said, it’s just sad to see.”

Lance-Briggs: Sam Hurd made a mistake?

Lance Lance Lance. A mistake is missing your route, running a post instead of a hitch. Scratching your teammate’s car in the parking lot. Telling a ‘Da Bears joke. Even that time you abandoned your Lamborghini Murciélago Roadster on the side of I94, Maybe that was a mistake:

Lance Briggs’ Lamborghini Murciélago Roadster, abandoned on the I94

But trying to build a drug empire? No, sireeeee. Not a mistake.

As for Tim Tebow, his Denver Broncos play Tom Brady’s Patriots this weekend. And in Tebowing news, it’s catching on with the young’uns in high school:

Riverhead High School administrators suspended 17-year-old twins Connor and Tyler Carroll this week after they organized several “Tebowing” tributes to the NFL star in their school hallway.

Connor Carroll said in a telephone interview on Friday afternoon that he and his friends—nearly 40 took part in the last of three demonstrations on Wednesday—merely wanted to pay tribute to Tebow as a “role model, leader and winner.”

Connor and Tyler Carroll Tebowing? No,  just Tim Tebow who plays the New England Patriots and Tom Brady on Sunday

And in silly news, a false rumor circulated that Tim Tebow was perhaps/maybe dating ski champette Lindsey Vonn. Not true. She just Tebowed once and knew Tim from years past:

A lot of people are wondering what’s up with me and the Tebows. I’m just friends with the family. I met Tim and his brother Pete at the ESPY Awards like three or four years ago in the gym—we were working out there. I spent more time with Tim and his brother at the V Foundation Golf Tournament, and this year at the ESPYs.

Olympic Ski Champ Lindsey Vonn Tebowing, not dating Tim Tebow

And our very last Tebow allusion goes to Bonfire Brewing from Eagle, Colorado, who took it upon themselves to brew a special blend of beer called the Tebrew:

The brainchild of Bonfire Brewing in Eagle, Colo., the company says it’s just waiting until special glasses arrive to tap the kegs. But don’t expect Tebrew to arrive at a watering hole near you: Bonfire Brewing is a small company not licensed to ship its product outside of Colorado.

Tebrew, Sunday Sipper, from Bonfire Brewing

They’re probably stepping over the line on that one and some folks (at the above link) seem to agree. What say you?

Faced with Draconian Budget Cuts, the Air Force Drafts Gisele Bundchen’s Son Into the Flight Program

During times of extreme budgetary crisis, Congress should consider drastic measures to balance our country’s books and to set us on steady economic ground.

In a stunning turn of events, as a way to both smooth fiscal corners and maximize tax-payer benefit, recruitment of young tykes as pilots into the Air Force training pipeline has begun in earnest. The little bubbas are issued flight jackets and then instructed on all the standard Top Gunnery: barrel rolls and whoop-dee-doos, dog-fighting and crawling, pushing 2 Gs and then pulling the cat’s tail. As is usual with all aviators, the wee wobblers are allowed to bring their mommies:

  3rd Lt. Ben Brady, Fighter Pilot, USAF, and mommy, Gisele Bundchen

Ben looks an awful lot like his papa, the Patriot Tom Brady. (Patriot as in the New England football team, not the flag-waving variety. Well, with his son fighting for the red, white, and blue, perhaps Tommy Boy is a patriot of the other stripe too.)

Young 3rd Lieutenant Brady wears both an Apache AH-64 patch and an Army Air Corps (pre-Air Force) P-40 patch. As for the latter, the Warhawk, they were flown by the 23d Fighter Group (which combined with the disbanded Flying Tigers) when the United States worked with China in WWII. It is true, we fought side-by-side the eastern dragon, only to tangle, mere years later, in Korea.

The 23rd is still in operation with another bird: the Warthog, the modern day A-10, to the left.

At Al Udeid Air Base, the Warthogs bristled on the tarmac, like a gang of angry water buffalo, whenever we taxied by in our bus-like EP-3.

The plane has a unseemly look, but it serves a very definite purpose, close air support (CAS.) Query any infantry unit hewed in by enemy fire about the Warthog’s efficacy and they will undoubtably drool as to the Big Ugly’s ability.

There are stories of damaged Warthogs returning to the base, limping home on mere fumes. Air Force Major Kim Campbell once landed with compromised hydraulics, which highly limited her brakes and steering.

Major Kim Campbell, USAF with A-10 Warthog

In an interesting bit of trivia, Major Campbell is the daughter of San Jose’s current mayor, Chuck Reed. Both zoooooomies were cadet wing commanders at the Air Force Academy. The top banana, large and in-charge.

Enough ruminations of the past, we must cast our eyes to the future and discuss the infant piloteers. A rumor, nothing more than a whisper, is that the wittle warfighters will use piddle packs in place of timeouts in the little boy’s room.

You say you don’t know what piddle packs are? Sit back, you are in for a treat. Most of what I know on the venerated piddles I learned from two sources: pilot friends or a retired Master Gunnery Sergeant whom I see periodically at my gym. He works for a company that sells piddle packs, known by their more serious name, UCDs. This is not a joking topic, folks. Pilots have been known to fiddle with their piddles, thereby losing control and ejecting themselves from their plane. At 7,000 feet. In an F-16. Surprise:

A pilot’s piddle pack for you-know- what

Sometime before 1991, a pilot of an F-16 had to ‘use the rest room’ at 28,000 feet somewhere over the Mojave Desert. A piddle pack is a sponge filled plastic pouch, designed especially for this purpose.

The pilot reported that he unfastened his seatbelt and was raising himself up to use the piddle pack when the plane began to swing to the right. He tried to regain control of the aircraft, but could not. He ejected around 7,000 feet.

Okay, enough with equipment issues. Let’s get back into the pilot pipeline with our trainees. Below, big-boy 3rd Lieutenant Brady poses with his mother, some civilian named Gisele Bündchen, during an ejection seat exercise:

Future Ace: Air Force Pilot Ben Brady and mother Gisele Bundchen

Have I mentioned how much money our nation is saving with these pint-sized aces? Beaucoup, beaucoup. Imagine utilizing their finely honed skills for 45 years vice the usual 20-25.

In a mutually beneficial agreement, the young dog-fighter has offered, in lieu of salary (military, flight, hazardous duty pay, etc), to be paid in either matchbox cars, marbles, Pokemon cards, iPhone apps, or flight jacket patches. He’s got quite a collection, don’t you think?

Gisele Bundchen, Mrs. Tom Brady, Tricks Her Son

I am roaring northward on the mighty 15 Freeway in San Diego. The nasally one, Mark Levin, drones from the radio, eviscerating some poor schlob from Vermont.

I pass a car plastered with bumper stickers. It is disease this, reading bumper stickers, and I got the fever. One catches my attention. It says something along the lines of:

If animals could speak English, you would not eat them!

I turn Levin down. Light, his show is not. And I think, is this true? That speech-enabled animals would turn me away from my a-gnawing habit of lunching on them?

And what if I did not speak English? Does the Russian shrug off the New Yawkah cow who warns him: hey, yous hold it right there, mistah! Would not the uncomprehending Russian just sip his vodka mouthwash and go about his business?

Of course, if the bovinely, four-stomached* one uttered: Эй мудак, посмотреть его, in a grassy, Siberian-accented drawl, than perhaps the message would be received.

Ever my friend, Google, had a veritable buffet of vegan links speaking to this issue, of animals having the ability to talk. Over 3 million drooly posts.

Funny forum responses to this question: Yeah and what if your corn and arugula could speak? Shut up pig (shotgun blast)!

No one was swayed by this logic. That if our t-bone once quoted Goethe, we would stop eating meat. . .

Shall we review some other interesting grub-related stories of the week? I say yes! (Imagine this bumper sticker: If a blogger can write in tasty English, would you dine on his writing?)

Gisele Bundchen, Billionaire Broccoli Lover

Mrs. Tom Brady herself, Gisele Bundchen, had this to say about her son:

My children, they are like white canvases. When Benjamin eats broccoli, he thinks it’s dessert!

It is clear that this Patriot supermodel has her psyops down. Although easily tricked, little Benny Brady has got some good genes.

My hope for him is that he is able to read prevent defenses and can throw a tight spiral 60 yards downfield. But knowing how wacky this world is, perhaps he will grow up reading audiences from catwalks and throwing parties for androgynous wo-mannequins.

Last question for the billionaire Gazelle Gisele: why did she not adopt the last name of her pass-happy (in football-lingo only) husband? Does not Gisele Brady have a nice ring to it? I think so. Or is it too Brady Bunch? Or Brady Bundchen? She had better be careful about having too many kids. Her life may come to resemble a television show. The Bundchen Munchkins.

Have you heard about this restaurant in Germany that caters to cavemen, cavewomen, and cavekids? Here is the meat:

No cheese, bread or sugar are available at a recently opened Berlin eatery.

In fact, guests are served dishes made only of ingredients that would have been available to their hunter-gatherer ancestors.

The Stone Age fare is prepared by adherents of the Paleolithic movement, who say their restaurant is the first of its kind in Europe.

The restaurant menu shows a stereotypical image of modern humanity’s forbearer, the jutting profile of a hirsute caveman.

Inside, diners eat at candle-lit tables with a contemporary cave painting hanging in the background.

MesSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell, GEICO caveman

These hints aside, Berlin’s Sauvage restaurant looks similar to many of the German capital’s other trendy eateries.

But the chalkboard out front announcing a “Real Food Revolution — Paleolithic Cuisine!” alerts diners to the fact that their Stone Age menu might offer up some surprises.

Alright, I gotta run. I got a cheeseburger with my name on it. Notice I did not say: I have a cheeseburger saying my name. . .

* I stand corrected: Per cow-likipedia: Cattle have one stomach with four compartments. They are the rumen, reticulum, omasum, and abomasum, with the rumen being the largest compartment. (Readers: do you not find it oddly comforting that the largest compartment is named rumen?)