Snarking the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Tonight, the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards took place. These kind of shows are painful. Most of the movies I’ve never seen, and the back-patting and oozing self-congratulation get unbearable.

But let’s look at the Golden Globe red carpet arrival through a different, highly superficial lens. Does it not look as if the photographer messed with these pictures? As in, these actors and actresses have gigantic heads and tiny bodies? Like Anne Hathaway. Please get yourself a samwich, now:

Anne Hathaway arrives at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Anne Hathaway at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Or Dev Patel, what the heck happened to make your cranium look oversized:

Dev Patel arrives at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Dev Patel at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell, you guys look like cartoon characters:

Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell, 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

So do Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Sarah Hyland:

Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Sarah Hyland arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Sarah Hyland, 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Lena Dunham, after all the “your first time” tom-foolery you pulled at the election, I actually feel sorry for you. Now fire whoever convinced you to wear the dining-room drapes:

Lena Dunham arrives at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Lena Dunham at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Once again, the perspective on this picture looks off. Maybe Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis just need to eat normally. Like, why not grab dinner with Lena above?

Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills,

Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis, Golden Globe Awards

I sold suits in college. It was good money, one of a half-dozen jobs I had. And rule number one, avoid a puckered lapel on a tuxedo. You would think George Clooney would know:

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills,

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler, Golden Globe Awards

 A proper lapel as worn by Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs:

Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, C

Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

There you have it, the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards, not quite live from the Beverly Hilton. The last time I was there, I too, was in a tuxedo. One with tails even. Of course, it was my high school prom. I was 6’4, 170 pounds soaking wet then. And the tails made me taller and skinnier. Maybe I still I have not gotten over it, considering my comments here. Ah blogs, they are cathartic. Now where are my stone-washed jeans?

Stacy Keibler and George Clooney: I Blame the Dentist

Recently, I had cause to visit the dentist. To get my yearly check-up. And guess what lurks at the dentist office, other than that sinking dread in the pit of your stomach and sweaty palms? Trashy pop-culture mags, of which I blame for this post. Advance apologies. . .

Stacy Keibler and George Clooney: Hot Mess or No?

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler (referred to by their cutesy one-iker Cloonbler) are apparently an item. How do I know? Star magazine whispered the factoid in my ear.

I hate to rain on their picnic, but this pair is short-lived.

First, she is taller than him. Yes, she may be wearing heels, but George does not give the appearance of a happy camper in this picture. (Rain on their picnic, happy camper? I might be overdue for a little outdoor romping, like a long trail run.)

And she used to wrestle professionally for the WCW and the WWE, yet George does not waft the air of your typical wrestling fan. Let’s not forget that the WWE CEO, the politically conservative Linda McMahon, ran for the Senate. But Mr. Clooney most decidely harkens from the other side of the aisle. Ms. Keibler, of course, could possibly be an outlier in her industry and of the same political feather as the ducky Clooney.

George Clooney or Yeti? Either way, every hairdresser’s dream

I could be off-base with my observations. What do I know about pop-culture? Let’s go to the experts:

At Sunday’s (Oct. 16) New York Film Festival screening of “The Descendants,” Cloon-bler made its red carpet debut.

The two have been linked for several months and photographed at parties, but never before have they brought their strikingly beautiful love to the carpet.

It appears that Keibler has worn down serial bachelor Clooney’s resistance. Way to be persistent, Stacy.

Keibler, a former “Dancing with the Stars” contestant, is best known for her years as a WWE ring diva; her signature move was provocatively bending over to get between the ring ropes.

Stacy Keibler: related to the Keebler Elf?

Now she’s canoodling with the top of the A-list. That’s what we call “upward mobility,” folks.

I am sorry for Ms. Keibler, but this has rebound written all over it. George recently broke up with his long-time girlfriend, the Italian model Elizabeth (Elisabetta) Canalis.

I unearthed the background of this complex pop-cultural case by exercising my google fu. (I enjoy the distinction and honor of wearing a brown belt in the martial art.) So if any of this angers you, get mad at google.

Additional facts for your consumption: Ms. Canalis was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, as was Stacy Keibler. On that note, Ms. Keibler had this to say regarding her stint in the show:

Stacy Keibler and Elisabetta Canalis: George Clooney’s not-so-tiny dancers

The actor’s current girlfriend, former WWE Diva Stacy Keibler, came in third place on Dancing With the Stars in 2006 — and now she’s offering Clooney’s most recent ex Elisabetta Canalis some sage advice.

“I think everyone should just have fun with it,” she told Us Weekly at the Appleton Estate Rum Bartender Challenge Finals in NYC Monday.

For our final tally, Ms. Keibler finished third at the Big Dance and Ms. Canalis finished near the bottom. Perhaps George enjoys cutting the rug and is a secret ballroom dancer? A cha-cha-cha-er. And he wanted to trade up?

Alternative conspiracy theory: Stacy might be a heiress to the Keebler cookie fortune. And maybe George craves mightily the cookie masterpiece known as E.L. Fudge. (Note: E.L. Fudge is not a Latin product, however El Fudgerio is.)

Folks, please allow me to extend my sincerest apologies. No more George Clooney posts. ‘Til the next time I visit the dentist. Uh oh, I have a cleaning in two weeks! You had better hope that they don’t find anything requiring more extensive dental spelunking or it could be a month of Clooney. Until then. . .