Me and My Big Mouth Meet the Admiral

We recently had a PRT at our command and there are only 3 or 4 elliptical trainers available for use at our gym. (Go ahead and laugh, I do like to use the thing. And I can test on it!) So of course, the Admiral got in on the first round, and then after that, it is was on a first-to-sign-up basis. I had the second round and as luck would have it, I got the trainer that the Admiral had used. And the man did not sweat one drop! It was his last PRT in uniform and I gave a: good job sir when he finished.

And later, when I was down chatting with the front-office ladies (rule of thumb: always be cordial to the staff, they can make or break you) I happened to let it slip that I took the Admiral’s elliptical after he was done. Of course, I had to exclaim in a voice louder than normal: And the Admiral did not sweat a drop!

The Admiral’s secretary flashed me the oh-no-you-didn’t-just-say-that look, so I turned around. And smiling mutely at me was the Admiral. Still not sweating. Great man, did not say a thing. (He apparently does not sweat the small stuff.) I, on the other had, made it rain. It took a good two towels to wipe down that trainer after I was done with ‘er. As for me and the Admiral, I gave him a perfunctory sir and went about my business. Which was anywhere than the front office.

You would think I woulda learned my lesson. . .

A NSFW Navy Conversation

Twice a year, the Navys hold a PRT, a physical readiness test. And our command had ours last week. After an angry-gram was emailed out by the Command Fitness Leader (CFL), about forty of us, all decked out in our official Navy PT gear, showed up at the prescribed time and place.

As soon as I got there, another LT took me aside and told me Hey, I gotta talk to you, (while  flashing me bug eyes.) He clarified his statement with: I need to ask you a favor. (And he bugged out some more.)

A favor right before a PT exam usually meant one thing, as in: I am out of shape. And I am worried about failing. 

I followed him to the corner of the room. Hey look man, he said cautiously. You know how I was 48 pounds overweight?

Yeah?

And you know I lost all that weight over the last month.

Yeah?

Well, starting yesterday after weigh-ins, I’ve been eating like an absolute slob.

Yeah?

I had five meals yesterday. Look, I ate a burrito in thirty seconds!

Yeah?

And if I have some eruptions when you are holding my feet for sit-ups, I want to say sorry in advance.

Yeah. Um, thanks.

I am being serious. (He burped into his hand.)

No, I know you are. Let’s go kill this thing. 

I warned you.

Hey man, do your thing.

A Sniper, but not a Pastry Chef

JEMAINE: Lisa?
BRET: Yes, she’s in Delta Force. She’s been deployed to Fallujah.
JEMAINE: But she works in the croissant shop.
BRET: Yeah, she’s got two jobs. She’s a pastry chef and a sniper.”
–Flight of the Conchords