The Great Blog Geehad

When I first started blogging, I emailed a bunch of established bloggers and was generally extra extroverted with the blogosphere. I made some good blog friends and continue to chat with a lot of them. I did not want a small, unread blog. I was after a boutique, vaguely-read blog and I seem to’ve achieved that.

That said, it is time for the new wave. It is time to go Bauhaus (pre post-modernism) on this blog. To get all up jihadi in this here place. So let’s try a courtship of sorts. I’ma gonna email various shady folks from Pakistan and Saudi Arabia and maybe even France (if I am feeling frisçée) with the following email:

Ya ikhwan/akhwan! Salaam Alaykums!

Yo, I am new to the jihad game. I am a laid-back (waaaay back) jerhadi who gave up a life of smoove kafarism to join this here jihad racket. I am looking for tips, encouragement, shwarma recipes. And answers to my questions. Mostly they are the queries of a beginner on the path:

-How do I keep my internal jihad from going external? I am thinking I am pretty internal and boom, I get all external with it. Any thoughts short of buying new wardrobe items? (I used to rock skinny jeans pretty hard, but going external in ‘dose bad-boys, look out. I got stories! Let’s just say I’m no longer welcome in Farhad’s Falafel House over in Echo Park.)

-Is body waxing haram? I’m caged out here in the sunny shores of Cali and they wax everything, and I mean everything: their legs, their surfboards, their ’67 Camaroes, their backs (yes, imagine that, ouchies), even battleships!

-I am looking for penpals from other countries. Do you know anyone who likes to chat with an American on-line on a blog? I am harmless, jihad-centric. I would say I am a Capricorn, but I left those western games behind for the eat-sleep-fight jihad hard-corps.

I may be lite (easy, crazy, cool) with my request, but I am looking to engage in some pretty heartfelt dialogue on anything you all want to talk about with a dude from California. Do you have a favorite imam or mullah? (In California, we pronounce money, moolah. So when a mullah has really got it going on, as in on his game, do you say ‘dat mullah is moolah, yo!)

Anyway, go to this link. (Link here.) I call myself the Mellow Jihadi. And when asked if it is true, as in: how can you be a mellow and a jihadi, I say, look dude, don’t harsh my jihadi, don’t make me go all mellow on you! (Um, actually swap those out. Don’t harsh my mellow, don’t make me get all jihadi on you…)

Ma’salaama! Laters!

-MJ

I await with fishy, baited breath. This should be interesting. I could go nowhere. Or I could get a couple of responses. One thing I’ve found is most folks don’t bother to read other pages when responding to a new blog. I usually do, but I may be nerdish.

Or maybe, I should try the more sedate approach:

Hello! I am looking to engage in a dialogue about jihad. Please go here to join in the conversation. Your reply is appreciated!

What do you think? Which one should I go with? My intention is to just troll the internet and send out mass emails. Don’t tell anyone, but this is a good way to generate more readers. It is like chumming, no pun intended. When we do decide, please feel free to send the new link I put up to anyone in the Middle East or beyond who might have an opinion on the jihad racket.

We got ourselves a blog, might as well go attack the blogosphere. I feel like a Lamborghini owner with a tankful of gas, heading out of El Lay onto the grapevine. Onward!

Pakistan’s political powder keg has just been re-ignited

The following ‘bite’ taken from today’s Daily Express, which may be of interest…

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Pervez Musharraf

Unknown gunmen have killed Pakistan’s lead prosecutor investigating the assassination of former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto, throwing the case that also involves former ruler Pervez Musharraf into disarray.

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Chaudhry Zulfikar was at the helm of a number of controversial cases, including the 2007 Ms Bhutto assassination in which Mr. Musharraf is accused of involvement. He was also prosecuting militants linked to the 2008 terror attack in the Indian city of Mumbai.

Mr Zulfikar was driving to a court in the capital Islamabad when gunmen fired at him from a taxi, hitting him in the head, shoulder and chest, said a police spokesman. He then lost control of his car, which hit a woman passer-by and killed her, said another police source.

Mr. Zulfikar’s guard, Farman Ali, returned fire and is believed to have wounded at least one of the attackers, but was also injured in the attack. The attackers fled after killing Mr. Zulfikar, police said, and a massive search has been launched to find them.

The motive for the killing is not yet clear, but his involvement in the two particularly high-profile cases is likely to be scrutinised closely.

Government prosecutors have accused Mr. Musharraf of being involved in Ms Bhutto’s assassination and not providing enough security to Pakistan’s first female prime minister.

Mr. Musharraf, who was in power when Ms Bhutto was killed, denies the allegations. At the time of the attack, he blamed the assassination on the Pakistani Taliban.

The Bhutto case has lingered for years in the Pakistani court system. A number of alleged assailants are on trial but no one has been convicted. The case burst into the headlines when Musharraf returned in March after four years in exile.

Mr. Zulfikar was also the government’s lead prosecutor in a case related to the 2008 terrorist attack on Mumbai that killed 166 people. The attack was blamed on the Pakistan-based militant group Lashkar-e-Taiba.

In My Own Humble Opinion…

Pervez Musharraf is like Marmite, you either like him, or hate him, there is no buffer or in-between. 

His return to Pakistan has been sanctioned by friends from upon high (and afar); he is the real solution to sorting out the mess that Pakistan is mired in, he will also provide the stability required when Allied forces pull out of Afghanistan. ‘Musharraf’ has the loyalty of Pakistan’s elite military Corps, which he will need to quell instability when he does (and he will) become Pakistan’s next Para Military President. (Just don’t expect human rights to be on the agenda when he takes on the extreme Islamic factions).

Musharraf has forged relationships with some powerful financial friends throughout his ‘self imposed’ exile In London and Dubai, as well as throughout his International ‘Free Speech’ tour of the West. His military training at Sandhurst as well as his consequential training within Pakistan’s elite special forces, allows this very well educated man to shoot from the lip, as well as the hip. He has the mark of death upon him from the Pakistani Taliban, which he brushes off as a matter of fact that simply goes with the job.

Does anyone think that ‘Musharraf’ will benefit from the Prosecutors assassination?

Has a fish got a waterproof head?

Yours Aye.

First Drone Strike of the Year, Maulvi Nazir Down

Today marks the fist drone strike of 2013 in Pakistan. And a high-ranking Taliban commander, caught in the hellfire, perished in the missile strike:

Maulvi Nazir playing XBox

Maulvi Nazir playing XBox

The commander, Maulvi Nazir, was among nine people killed in a missile strike on a house in the village of Angoor Adda in the South Waziristan tribal region near the border with Afghanistan late Wednesday night, five Pakistani security officials said on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to talk to the media.

At least four people were killed in a separate drone strike on Thursday morning near Mir Ali, the main town of the North Waziristan tribal region.

Maulvi Nazir playing XBox

Maulvi Nazir playing XBox

America’s use of drones against militants in Pakistan has increased substantially under President Barack Obama and the program has killed a number of top militant commanders over the past year.

But the drone strikes are extremely contentious in Pakistan, seen as an infringement on the country’s sovereignty.

So sad, too bad. . .

Bilawal Bhutto Zardari Joins the Family Farm

More than 200,000 supporters of the Bhutto family gathered near Larkana in the southern Pakistani province of Sindh. At the family mausoleum, 24-year-old Bilawal Bhutto Zardari delivered his first public address. As you may have guessed Bilawal is the son of Benazir Bhutto and Asif Ali Zardari. The first, a great lady, with perhaps more concern for her country than herself. The second, the father, an average politician. We shall see which tree the apple falls closest to. . .

Notting Hill Stabbing

I won’t give up the backstory on this picture of the Notting Hill Carnival in London. But I will say this- there is a sharp knife, a knifer, a bloody victim, some cops, and a helpful bystander who tries to trip up the punk who started the mess:

Notting Hill Carnival knifeman

Notting Hill Carnival knifeman

The full story can be located here. In other London news, One Pound Fish singer Shahid Nazir (sometimes known as Muhammad Nazir) was informed he will be deported and sent back to Pakistan. He’ll have to enjoy his trout filets over in Karachi ’til after Christmas. . .

Yo Jihadis!

One of the advantages/disadvantages of naming a blog such as this, is I get searches from “gentlemen” who are not looking for insightful, snarky content as I have here. Rather, they are hunting for something altogether different.

Today’s real-message-of-genius comes from Hamaid, a kind fellow from Lahore, Pakistan. For the uninitiated, Lahore is not some Frenchwoman of disrepute, but rather one of the more “liberal” cities in Pakistan. Take it away Hamaid:

hahaha ironic that the mighty United States military got beat in both afghanistan and iraq by only bearded men with an unshakeable faith in God . funny the american govt. didnt learn its lessons from vietnam hahaha !
wow the great upholder of peace the forefront of human rights forgot all its morals when it dropped the only atomic bombs on civilian population that have ever been dropped in the history of mankind , when it lied to the world about wmds in iraq only to carpet bomb innocent civilians and invade a free country only for its oil , when it lends an ever supporting hand to Nazi Israel slaughtering civilians and annexing land illegally in direct violation of human rights and international law . superpowers have a history of BREAKING in afghanistan as did the british empire and the soviet union and now the US . i dont know what it is maybe its the afghan desire to die in the name of freedom !

Perhaps months ago, I would have gone point-by-point debunking Ham’s analysis of the United States. I could’ve also offered useful punctuation and grammar tips. But I am on leave. And I got other stuff to do. Like go to the Apple store. Enjoy!

It’s “Working Women’s Day” in Pakistan!

I have two questions for you:

Do you have anything special planned for today?
Do you live in Pakistan?

According to my stats, I have had well over a hundred visitors from Pok-ee-stan. So I know you Pakis are out there. (Is that insulting to Pakistani folks to call you Pakis? My intention is to be snarky, not fatwa-worthy. Not that you all would ever overreact anyway. The gentle tolerance emanating from your region is legendary.)

Rage Boy: The Peaceful Tolerance of our Pakistani Friends

If you do not have anything special planned and you, by chance, live in Pakistan:

The Pakistan Business Council is celebrating women in business on December 22 “with a renewed commitment to creating space for women to contribute actively in every aspect of the corporate world.”

We can’t pretend that simply dedicating days, or in the case of Nepal, entire years, to “women in business” will effect change. On one hand, days like these can simply be an excuse to check “working women” off the long list of things that want some more respect. But on the other hand, it’s a good sign to see countries across the world at least making an attempt.

Pakistani Woman in a Clothes Cloth Store

As for Rage Boy above, he became something of a celebrity in his town:

But the poster boy of Islamic radicalism has a very different story to tell when he’s at home with his mother

A regular spoof diary appears online in his name and he has come to stand for all that is most frightening about radical Islam.

It turns out he had contemplated, considered, dreamed-of being, a militant:

Shakeel was not a very good militant. When I asked him how many people he had killed, he looked embarrassed.

“I gave scares but I never killed anyone,” he said. “I couldn’t. I never hurled a grenade in a public place.”

What up? Shakeel at home in Kashmir

You never hurled a grenade in a public place? Too bad, it is a heck of a lot of fun. The police even showed him his picture on the internet. And talked of getting him married and employed:

He says he was brought before one of Srinagar’s most senior police officers, who offered him an administrative job in the government, and said he would find him a girl to marry.

Take a guess as to our homeboy Shakeel’s real dream:

I suggested to Shakeel that he must have been tempted by the prospect of a job and a wife, he was unlikely ever to get such a good opportunity again. He looked shy and covered his face with his hands.

Let me at them! Rage Boy Raging

“I want to marry a non-Muslim woman and convert her to Islam.”

Why? I asked.

In a moment that might have come straight out of the Borat film, he answered in a soft, serious voice: “I have been told that if I can convince a non-Muslim woman to marry me, but not convert her by force, then there will be a place for me in heaven.”

C’mon, any takers out there? Hook a brotha up!

The Wild West

I have had dozens of linguists work for me over the years. Some were in the military, others were civilians, US citizens, but born abroad. One of my guys was a Pashtun who once lived in Kabul, Afghanistan with his family, long before the Soviet invasion of the late 1970s. His father was a senior guy in Afghanistan’s Education Ministry.

One day, the jihadis came for his dad. I am not sure if they were aligned with the Taliban or not. If you study the region, there are a number of bad actors, some of whom work together, others who do not.

They shot at his father with their leveled AK-47s. Miraculously, he shielded his body with his arms and lost a lot of blood, but lived. His forearms were riddled with bullet-holes. He had an operation in England and the English doctors saved his life. And then, the family emigrated to the United States. Kansas or Nebraska of all places. . .

I once asked him what Peshawar was like. (It is right over the Af-Pak border, in Pakistan.) He replied: Oh, it is like the Wild West there. Read: it is very dangerous. . .

Although the below picture is of Karachi, far to the south, it too looks western. But for other reasons:

Clifton Beach in Karachi, Pakistan

Comments on Brazilian Waxing

I have comments in my blog’s spam folder advertising the following:

Brazilian Wax, not for your Shelby Mustang

1. Brazilian Waxing:

I harbor the vague notion that this undoubtably painful procedure entails a full body wax. I shared my picture in this post here. Can you imagine how uncomfortable that would be for me? Bottom line: I would not be interested in covering my body with hot wax. Hot bubbly chocolate, well, I am open to persuasion.

Update: A more informed reader just opened my eyes as to the nature of the Brazilian. It is, to put it delicately, a private procedure. . .

2. Carpet cleaning in Thousand Oaks:

Does anybody need some rugs shampooed out that-a-ways? I got your hookup. My main issue is not with the spam, it is with the city. Have you ever counted all the oaks? 983, max.

Predators Drone and Drone and Drone

3. Send gifts to Pakistan:

We do send gifts to Pakistan. We call them Predators. And they are very generous with their Hellfires. So far, no major complaints from the recipients.

And if there are complaints (hint hint, reader in Karachi) send coords (lat, longs) so we can be more surgical in future evolutions. Please clarify coordinates down to the nearest foot and do not move once sent. We will call you when we are ready. Promise.

This is called getting kicked in the Karachi. . .

Bob Ross: Air Force Airman painting happy little trees!

4. Overcome negative thinking:

This individual (bot) had a very positive, cheery message. Apparently the way to overcome negative thinking is to spam out a bunch of shiny, happy comments.

Let’s paint some fluffy, little clouds! We don’t have mistakes here, we just have happy accidents! Little birds got to have places to put their foots. . .

Note: Bob Ross, the painter to the left, was in the Air Force. No joke! His hair looks to be about reg, for the Force that is.

Exotic Pole Dancer

5. Pole-danicng poles:

Is this some sort of exotic Polish pastime? And what is danicng? Perhaps you mean Pole-dancing poles? Now ish the time on Shhhh-prockets where we dance! Until next time, Auf Wiedersehen!

6. Cephalic vein anatomy:

I am not sure what product this site is advertising. Still, its spam complained about my misspellings while (you got it) it misspelled words.That six foot plank of knotty naughty pine in your eye really smarts, does it not?

Bob Ross gets the final word: So from all of us here, I’d like to wish you happy painting, and God bless, my friend.

Warm Afghani Feet, a Barefooted Blogger, and One Bear Footsie

The weather, it’s a-turnin’ colder in Afghan-a-lemonade-stand. Want some proof? This:

Afghan workers toast their tootsies on a roadside in Kabul, Afghanistan

Poor guys. Their country’s entangled in the full-nelson of tribalism, a curse in this day and age. Another frosty indication is this nugget from the hairy-hatted Hamid Karzai:

KABUL, Afghanistan (AP) — Afghan President Hamid Karzai has said if the United States and Pakistan ever went to war, his country would back Islamabad, drawing a sharp rebuke Sunday from Afghan lawmakers who claimed the country’s top officials were adopting hypocritical positions.

That Ham Hamid Karzai, bathrobe by Wimbledon, hat by Mennan

The scenario is exceedingly unlikely and appears to be less a serious statement of policy than an Afghan overture to Pakistan, just days after Karzai and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton said Islamabad must do more to crack down on militants using its territory as a staging ground for attacks on Afghanistan.

Wimbledon, sponsoring Ham’d Karzai since 2001

“If fighting starts between Pakistan and the U.S., we are beside Pakistan,” Karzai said is an interview with private Pakistani television station GEO that aired Saturday.

“If Pakistan is attacked and the people of Pakistan need Afghanistan’s help, Afghanistan will be there with you.”

Don Francisco sez: May all your Sábados be Gigante!

At least with the first name Hamid, we know Ham’d does not keep halal.

Let’s sail west, shall we, to the warmer clime of Marin-tin-tin-land. Home to our friend, the renowned fashionista and well-tempered bloggalier, Bookworm. Ladies, Gentlemen, and San (not Don) Franciscans, Book has finally confessed that she is:

 a barefoot person.  Although I was a fashion plate in my 20s (when they still made petites for short people not medium ones, and when I thought I had money to burn), my style today is very utilitarian.

As a barefoot person, was she referencing the below specimen?

Bear Foot, modeled by Tom Boddingham, not Bookworm. . . 

How did that bear foot happen? Simple:

Tom Boddingham was trying to order a size 14.5 monster slipper from an online company, Monster Slippers, but he must have put the decimal point in the wrong position. Because when the monster slipper arrived at his door it was bigger than him.

Boddingham told the Daily Mail:

“It was sent directly from Hong Kong and measures 210 x 130 x 65cm – the same length as a grizzly bear or a family car. I must be the owner of the biggest slipper in the world… I’m going to sell it online, and if I can make a few quid out of it then all the better.”

Final thought: All intelligence indicates that Bookworm does not suffer a known weakness for bear footsies. Nor has she ever wroten the verboten about said moccasins or considered christening her blog the Barefooted Blawger. (Although a nasty rumor, circulating amongst certain villainous circles, postulates that she very nearly almost titled her literary cottage: das Laundresse. . .)

Please Repeat, Over

Cartoon from Theo

A pair of silver balls being driven by Marines

Tigerhawk and Instapundit on bad luck

Polished Polish Humor

Blue Screen of Death

Go to Basic Training, do not pass (the ball)

Combat Garden Gnomes

Flying Flamingos (and more gnomes)

Holy Russian Batman, wake up!

Tracers work both ways (hand salute to ExAFCrewDog)

Projectile dysfunction.

Our friends, the French

Our good friends, the Pakistanis

Our best friends, the Chinese

Shoot twice, Swiss Miss

Poisonous books

Cute Warthog

Moral courage

Woodpeckers: y’all are on yer own

No more flat sheets

How dumb can you get and still breathe?

JGs, how we love them