Hey, whoever is stealing hay out west, you’all better cut it out. Theft has doubled and even the New York Times is covering your shenanigans.
I am a little suspicious of a New York Times article titled: Got Drunken Sailors? Reroute Them. But a lot of the piece focuses on the late 90s. The late 1890s. And we all know that these days we have the new Navy. No need to reroute our guys anymore, Brooklyn.
I love the New York Times. No, I have not gone crazy; they have taken to calling Al Qaeda by only the last part of its name, Qaeda. Technically, Al Qaeda means the base. And it is a subtle piss-off to the base jihadis to mangle their organization. (It’s got this cool California thing going on. Dude, Qaeda just dropped by. . .)
Every effort should be made to poke fun at them, at their lack of moral cohesiveness. Jihadis refer to the West as immoral, but one of their spiritual and military guides, Anwar al-Awlaki, was arrested in beautiful Sandy Eggo for soliciting prostitutes. More than once. And the list goes on and on. . .
Whose son said this about his father: For a man who fought all his life against being respectable, this comes as a stunning defeat. Some interesting facts to be gleaned from the article include Paul Ryan is a big fan of Rage Against the Machine. And that Arlo Guthrie leans conservative. (Ignore the usual New York Times demonization of all things not-like-itself.)
Attention K-Mart shoppers: We have a deal today on two products that you may find very useful in your life. But before I reveal them, I must point out that they both significantly shorten your life.
Ready for the big reveal? (In your best Extreme Makeover voice, chant with me: Move that truck! Move that truck!)(That allusion will make no sense if you have never watched the show. Quick explanation for all the Luddites: essentially they makeover a home and then invite the family back to see it. Except they have a large truck in front of the house. So the crowd chants: Move that truck!)
The first product that will significantly shorten your life is pie. And the second is any kind of bathing aid. Because if you buy bathing toys, soaps, and the like, you may be tempted to bathe. Read it and weep:
Sometimes it’s nice to remember that older people have always been shocked by the habits of the young. One hundred years ago, in 1911, Tilden Pierce turned 100 years old and talked to the New York Times (not the Onion) about why he didn’t think the younger generation would be able to achieve his longevity: too much pie and too many baths.
“Yep,” he told the Times from his Plymouth, Mass., old folks’ home. “What’s shortening the days of the present generation is because they eat too much pie and cake.”
No baths or pie tonight, people. That itty-bitty sliver of pecan pie, yes, that counts! Don’t do it. You have been warned.
Oh, one more thing. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition has been cancelled. Not that I watched it (more than twice), but the link above told me so. They even offer a clue for all you Ty Pennington fans on what city he is going to be tanning in next.