Is Cap’n Crunch Really Commander Crunch?

Rank recognition is crucial to success in the Navy. Salute a Chief (like I did as a Petty Officer) and you will be met with a groan. That said, guess who has been faking the rank of Captain for years? Cap’n Crunch:

The controversy began with confused cereal lovers but rose through the ranks all the way to the Pentagon who divulged that Crunch has no military records whatsoever, reported The Wall Street Journal.

“We have no Cap’n Crunch in the personnel records — and we checked,” said Lt. Commander Chris Servello, director of the U.S. Navy’s Pentagon news desk.

“We have notified NCIS (Naval Criminal Investigative Service) and we’re looking into whether or not he’s impersonating a naval officer — and that’s a serious offense.”

Cap'n Crunch and his blue Napoleon hat is really just a big, fat LIAR," lamented Charisma Madarang of Foodbeast
“…Cap’n Crunch and his blue Napoleon hat is really just a big, fat LIAR,” lamented Charisma Madarang of Foodbeast

Some supporters speculate that Crunch’s naval history could not be found in the government archives because he is, they claim, a Frenchman.

After all, he wears a Napoleon-style hat and the French Navy’s “Capitaine de frégate” technically only has three yellow stripes. But this is a hard spoonful to swallow because that title still only translates to “commander” in English.

In the end, the attacks against Crunch only mobilized his legions of supporters to stand by his side and fuel up on bowlfuls of his cereal.

CDR Crunch’s real name is Horatio Magellan Crunch. . .

Marine Stands Guard at Gower Elementary

SSgt Pritchard
SSgt Pritchard

Marine Staff Sergeant Jordan Pritchard has a unique way of combatting the stress that the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre inspired in parents across the country.

The Staff Sergeant has two children at Gower Elementary in Nashville, Tennessee. Some local parents like what he is doing, but the Marine Corps certainly does not. Nor does NCIS, who has warned him about his activity.

What to Send the Troops, What Not to Send the Troops

Every time I’ve deployed, I’ve enjoyed receiving care packages. The Girl Scouts sent us cookies (Cookies for the Military Program, Hugs for Soldiers, or Troops for Troops) when we were out in Qatar and I was able to thank one of my neighbors who came door-to-door in the States last year.

The Girl Scout was no more than ten and I told her and her mother: You guys are great, you sent us cookies in the Middle East! The girl’s eyes got all big and she turned to her mom. See, I told you, the mother said. They really do get there! 

All that said, what LT Lee Hartley received in his care package from his wife, Pam Hartley, is not all that enticing:

Pam Hartley, LT Verle Lee Hartley

“Unusual Suspects” looked at the bizarre story behind the death of US Navy Lieutenant Lee Hartley, who died mysteriously while serving. It turns out he was poisoned slowly over a long period of time, and his murder went unsolved for thirteen years.

Finally, an NCIS cold case unit confronted his widow, Pam Hartley, and she confessed to everything. Pam had poisoned her husband by sending him care packages, including baked goods laced with rat poison. She wanted out of her “miserable” marriage, but didn’t want to give up the status of being a Navy officer’s wife, so she decided to be a Navy officer’s widow.

Per this article, Pam says she didn’t want to hurt Lee with a divorce. How kind of her.

How to be Stupid

Two dum-dum stories jumped out at me this weekend. Sadly, the first of them involves our sub force. And when I write “sub force” I am not referring to the cherished torpedo sandwich makers of Subway, home of the footlong:

Three female supply officers were pulled from submarine crews within months of joining the force for allegedly committing fraud prior to checking in at their boats, a Submarine Forces spokeswoman confirmed Friday.

Travel Claim Fraud: Three Female Supply Officers Shame the Whole Sub Fleet

These three were among the eight Supply Corps lieutenants that reported to the submarine force, a cadre chosen to be role models for the younger female submariners reporting straight from training to the previously all-male force.

NCIS is investigating the allegedly shady LTs. Imagine you are a trailblazer, among the first female officers aboard a sub. And you have to go and game the system. Stupid. The dumb LTs are heading to Submarine Group 10 in Kings Bay. Somewhere Admiral Grace Hopper is shaking her head.

Stupido numero dos involves dumb kids. Not smoking dope or even banana peels. But eating cinnamon. Ground cinnamon:

A common spice is creating an uncommon problem among teens. It’s called the “cinnamon challenge” and doctors are warning it could be dangerous.

The cinnamon challenge is an old stunt that is making the rounds with a new generation of teens and is popping up all over YouTube and Facebook.

Not dope: Cinnamon Challenge

The challenge works like this: A person swallows an entire tablespoon of ground cinnamon without  water, but the results usually end in coughing, choking, gagging, sometimes vomiting and always burning pain.

And it’s not just teens who are getting into trouble. New Haven’s Clinton Avenue School principal is on leave, accused of letting  kids in the lunchroom down doses of the spice.

There are no accounts of death by cinnamon, but doctors at Winthrop University Hospital say it’s a dangerous dare.

There ya go, the knuckleheads of the weekend. Allegedly crooked LTs or cinnabon heads.