Jersey Shore Out, Buckwild In

I could not be happier that Jersey Shore has met its demise. The bad news? MTV has moved its cameras to Sissonville, West Virginia to film a new series, Buckwild:

The Buckwild girls

From one of the cast-members: West Virginia is a place founded on freedom – for me and my friends, that means the freedom to do whatever the [bleep] we want. . . Maybe so, Annie Oakley, but MTV will make you all out to be a bunch of hicks. Just like the Jersey Shore folks were painted (and encouraged) to be a bunch of goombas.

Megan Fox: I Weally Want to Go to Egypt or Syria!

Standby for your dose of dumb. Guess where genius Megan Fox wants to go? Um, Syria or Egypt. You heard that right:

Megan Fox, Archaeologist in Syria or Egypt?

If the whole Hollywood thing doesn’t work out for Megan Fox, she has a fall-back career plan: she wants to be an archaeologist. The “Transformers” actress made the head-scratching revelation during an interview with MTV on Wednesday.

“I would really love to go on an archaeological dig,” said the 25-year-old actress — and she’s not joking. “I have an offer to go somewhere in England, but I would rather go to Egypt or Syria or some place like that.”

Hey Megs, Egypt and Syria are not ‘xactly terrorist tourist friendly this very second. Give it a week though. And I am sure your wittle Archaeologist dream’ll come true.

Why don’t you start with the rocks in your head? Root around there for awhile and tell us what you find.

Self-Promotion: Old Navy Vs. the UFC Vs. Justin Combs

Let’s discuss promotion, an important art in today’s media-mad world.

A Mellow Jihadi Tattoo- for skinny girls, skater boys, slinky women, breakdancers, lucky ladies. In short: everyone

As for myself, in order to promote my blog, I haunt the neoned tattoo parlors up and down the coast of San Diego.

And I slip crisp 20-spots into the skinny jeans of the tattoo artists. With the implied suggestion that, rather than a highly tasteful fleur-de-lis slated for the small of their customers’ back, they tattoo: Mellow Jihadi, instead. Good idea? It can’t hurt, right?

Ben Affleck’s Dolphin Tattoo

After all, Ben Affleck has a tramp stamp of a dolphin. (Or is it a porpoise?) And don’t forget this guy, a tattoo’ist, who tattoo’d a tattoo of something unpleasant on his cheating girlfriend’s back (NSFW. Errr, literarily NSF for most Ws if read aloud.)

Why not this blog’s name? Tattoo’d across the small or big of an unknowing back?

Victoria’s Secret Heidi Klum in the Mellow Jihadi Navy

What do you think of Victoria’s Secret mistaking Michigan State’s motto? Do you think it was a real mistake or intentional, a couple of pop-rocks in the Coca-Cola? Some Mentos (the Freshmaker) in the Pepsi?

Let’s explore three cases of promotion in the national news today.

For our first case study, we are going to stick with the t-shirt world. So close was this train-wreck to the Victoria’s Secret boo-boo, that I am tempted to think that Old Navy is managed by the same geniuses. The facts:

Old Navy is joining the party with a series of women’s collegiate T’s that have the wrong founding years for three institutions.

T-shirts representing Iowa, Colorado and Arizona show that the founding years for each of those universities is 1820, 1878 and 1881 respectively. However, the real founding years for those schools are 1847, 1876 and 1885.

Old Navy University of Iowa, Colorado and Arizona T-shirts

Very clearly, just like Victoria’s Secret, Old Navy did not fact-check their products. Yes, they generated a lot of buzz from the slip-up, but it was not intentional.

Next stop, an old fashioned insult fight at the UFC:

Arianny Celeste, UFC Ring Girl

Chael Sonnen knows how to start a fight. Though his sharp words are usually aimed at UFC middleweight champ Anderson Silva, he turned towards UFC Octagon Girl Arianny Celeste when asked about her in an interview to promote the World MMA Awards.

He was asked who he is supporting for Ring Girl of the Year in the awards ceremony that will take place in Las Vegas on Wednesday.

“We only had one and that was Chandella Powell. The other was the IQ card girl. Arianny Celeste kind of walks around and holds up her latest test score. One time when there was a title fight, she got all the way up to five and we were very proud of her.”

And he later added:

Chael Sonnen, UFC

Seems easy to wear a bikini and seems easy to walk in a circle, but try walking in a circle while wearing a bikini. Talented girl.

I am going to throw the bs flag out over this one. A UFC fighter getting into it with a Ring Girl? No, this is staged promotion. Nothing more than some professional wrestling-esque publicity before the real wrestling-esque fighting. Shonnen does have some shadiness in his recent past, I imagine he is not above bringing it to work.

Our last promotion is the old, dyed-in-the-wool self-promotion of an athlete. Sean Combs’ son, Justin Combs, is a 2-star football player, a cornerback out of New Rochelle, N.Y. And he just committed to UCLA. So he released a press release, of course:

Diddy’s son, Justin Combs sends press release about UCLA

“Today I am truly blessed and thankful to accept my scholarship and give my full commitment to UCLA. Playing Division I football was a lifelong dream of mine, and through hard work I was able to achieve it. I am a living testament that with a strong relationship with God, family, and hard work dreams do come true.”

Hmm, okay. Seems hardworking and earnest, no? But then again, Diddy’s son also said this during the Sweet 16 show on MTV:

“My dad is Diddy, and I’m going to take my throne as the prince of New York.”

And then this on Puffy:

2011 Maybach

At one point, Diddy comes over to his son, who is trying on ridiculously expensive clothes, and stuffs a big wad of cash in his pocket. Combs’ birthday bash is at a New York club called M2, where he’s accompanied by his date, Nicky Minaj, and the affair culminates with Combs receiving a $360,000 Maybach with a personal driver. I didn’t actually know what a Maybach was, but apparently it’s a really, really, really nice car.

Promotion is a fine art. Whether through accident or overt, it can be effective or snort-worthy. Should you see someone with a Mellow Jihadi tattoo, congratulate them on their fine taste. Just don’t tell them about me. . .

Attention on Deck

Mellow Jihadi, newbie blogger, reporting as ordered, ma’am!

American Naval Officer Discovers Australia

Report Mellow Jihadi. What say you for the last month?

Ma’am, I am pleased to report that a best-selling author tweeted out one of my posts.

Really, who was that?

Resurrectionist” by James Bradley

James Bradley, an Australian literary giant. He had this to say about musk sticks and the Dreaded Australian Curse:

Nice piece, though I'm sort of horrified you can still buy them. I've tweeted a link to the post, so
hopefully you'll get some hits.

Did you thank him?

Yes ma’am. I even told him: I will have to give out your books as gifts. . . But that is not all. I received some hate mail over that post.

Proceed.

A reader named Jason, who had a pornographic email address, had this to say about the same story: What a load of unreadable drivel! His IP address traced back to Australia.

Well, you win some and you lose some. What else?

Islamic Forum linking the Mellow Jihadi

An Islamic forum, closed to non-members, linked twice to this story on footbaths.

What did they say?

I am not sure, ma’am. They have the word Islam in their name and when I tried to click on it, I got denied. They are a private site of some sort. I could go to their front-page through Google, but no luck entering. You can see it here from the search engine results. It appears they are an Afghani Muslim forum, with Arabic writing as part of the blog-post title. (Despite the Arabic, the language of Afghanistan is either Pashtu or Dari or some dialectal offshoot.) I truly doubt they had anything good to say. Or perhaps they enjoy the gentle, mellow murmurings of a literary jihadi?

Perhaps. Let’s keep moving. 

Snoop Dogg with a Kangaroo, MTV Australia

Snoop Doggy Dogg’s PR people or fan club tweeted out this story of mine. Maybe it was automatically generated. I doubt they actually read it.

Not particularly news-worthy.

Ma’am, I got some chuckle-worthy spam.

From whom?

Viagra Village. They asked me: “what are you doing for new year?”

And?

I don’t know my plans for the New Year. It is still more than three months away. But the odd thing about the Viagra spam is that the CIA is offering Viagra to Afghani Warlords as a way for them to reinforce the troop(s).

So?

Viagra, propping up Afghani Warlords (for their ten-year old brides) since 2007

Well ma’am, I get linked by an Afghani Islamic forum and Viagra Village spams me. And then the CIA is revealed as trading Viagra with Afghani warlords.

The link is dubious at best.

How’s this: I get postive emails and tweets from a bestselling author and then a negative email from a po’d Australian reader. And when I google Snoop (whose fan-club tweeted me on another story) the first picture to come up is him in Australia with a Kangaroo for MTV. Coincidence?

Who knows? If that is all, you are going to have to do a lot better next time, mister. 

Yes, ma’am!

Mellow Jihadi, what did I tell you about my ma’am sandwich?

Ma’am, yes, ma’am!

Dismissed.

Roger, ma’am, roger!

Mellow Jihadi, there is no such thing as a roger sandwich.

Yes, ma’am!

What did I just say about my ma’am sandwich?

Ma’am, yes, ma’am!

Get out of here.

Ma’am, yes, ma’am!

Now.