Snarking the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Tonight, the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards took place. These kind of shows are painful. Most of the movies I’ve never seen, and the back-patting and oozing self-congratulation get unbearable.

But let’s look at the Golden Globe red carpet arrival through a different, highly superficial lens. Does it not look as if the photographer messed with these pictures? As in, these actors and actresses have gigantic heads and tiny bodies? Like Anne Hathaway. Please get yourself a samwich, now:

Anne Hathaway arrives at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Anne Hathaway at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Or Dev Patel, what the heck happened to make your cranium look oversized:

Dev Patel arrives at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Dev Patel at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell, you guys look like cartoon characters:

Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell, 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

So do Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Sarah Hyland:

Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Sarah Hyland arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Sarah Hyland, 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Lena Dunham, after all the “your first time” tom-foolery you pulled at the election, I actually feel sorry for you. Now fire whoever convinced you to wear the dining-room drapes:

Lena Dunham arrives at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Lena Dunham at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Once again, the perspective on this picture looks off. Maybe Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis just need to eat normally. Like, why not grab dinner with Lena above?

Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills,

Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis, Golden Globe Awards

I sold suits in college. It was good money, one of a half-dozen jobs I had. And rule number one, avoid a puckered lapel on a tuxedo. You would think George Clooney would know:

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills,

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler, Golden Globe Awards

 A proper lapel as worn by Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs:

Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, C

Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

There you have it, the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards, not quite live from the Beverly Hilton. The last time I was there, I too, was in a tuxedo. One with tails even. Of course, it was my high school prom. I was 6’4, 170 pounds soaking wet then. And the tails made me taller and skinnier. Maybe I still I have not gotten over it, considering my comments here. Ah blogs, they are cathartic. Now where are my stone-washed jeans?

Two Guns and One Navy Commander

Movie scripts generally get passed around from director to producer to actor and then to landscaper. Some of them kick around Hollywood for years. I don’t generally follow upcoming movies, but when they mention naval officers, I take notice:

James Marsden in 2 Guns

For a project that began as a buddy comedy that reunited Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, Two Guns has changed a lot over the years. The film adaptation of Steven Grant’s graphic novel follows two undercover agents who work together to steal money from the mafia, without knowing that the other is undercover or that they’re actually being set up to steal $50 million from the CIA. Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg are now in the lead roles, with Contraband director Baltasar Kormakur directing. Variety now reports that former Cyclops James Marsden has joined the cast as Wahlberg’s boss, a naval commander.

Marsden joins a pretty great cast, which includes Paula Patton as Denzel’s love interest, Bill Paxton as a high-ranking CIA operative, and Edward James Olmos, who just signed on as the villain a few days ago.

Yeah, I’ll watch it. Maybe. Probably. Most definitely.

The Italian Job II (the Brazilian Job): Some Thrillers Are Hairy, This One Is Hairless!

I like yarns. ‘Cept the definition of yarn I like is stories, not this yarn:

MINI Cooper, Yarn Bombed

I’ll take the above socky creation to the below Orange Mini, created by the Irish fruit company Outspan (Fyffes) in 1972 to advertise their wares:

Outspan had three of these built in 1972, with Mini Parts

Interestingly enough, the new MINI is all-capitalized, while the old Mini is not. The salacious details:

When production of the classic Mini ceased in 2000, BMW (the new owner of the brand) announced the successor to the Mini. The brand name for the new car is MINI (written in capital letters), and it is commonly called the “New Mini”.

Not this Minnie

The new Mini is much larger than the original Mini.

It is around 58 centimeters (23 in) longer, 50 centimetres (20 in) wider, 7 centimeters (2.8 in) higher, and weighs around 1,144 kg (2,522 lb) rather than 650 kg (1,433 lb). It is now classified as compact car rather than city car.

On 3 April 2007, the one millionth Mini rolled out of the Oxford Plant after six years of production, just one month longer than it took the classic Mini to reach the same total in March 1965.

Of course, any whispers on the Mini or the MINI or the mini (not the Minnie) require mention of the movie, the Italian Job:

Charlize Theron in front of a MINI in the Italian Job

Word in Hollywood is that the Brazilian Job, the sequel to the Italian Job, once shelved, may be (possibly) back in motion. I sure hope so, the original was great. Mark Wahlberg appeared optimistic last year:

In 2008, “The Brazilian Job” was rumored to be shelved which has been affirmed by Seth Green’s statement that the project is dead. In a recent interview with Collider, Mark Wahlberg has sounded different opinion about the status of the film, hinting that “The Italian Job” sequel is going to happen.

The Brazilian Job

“The Brazilian Job is now kind of getting active again,” he says. Asked further by Collider if he thinks “Brazilian Job” will make it to theaters, Wahlberg explains, “Yeah, I think if it’s ever going to happen it would be now.

“But, you know, with any other movie that I’ve made there’s been talks of sequels but if we can’t make it any better or as good as the first, we just don’t want to do it. It’s just not worth it.”

It caused me considerable concern when I heard the locale for the new movie. That the plot may focus on another kind of Brazilian, ie: the famous (or infamous) Brazilian Wax. Possible movie trailer tagline: The Brazilian Job: Some Thrillers Are Hairy, This One Is Hairless!

And lastly, there exists a nasty rumor circulating amongst the fey Occupy Wall Street folk-ers that they are going to be pressed into the Italian Job sequel. Except the working title on this one, instead of the Brazilian Job, is Any Job:

Not the Italian Job, Not the Brazilian Job, But Any Job