Got one for you. You sitting down? Relaxed? Did you take your heart medication?
You may want a generous slab of carrot cake nearby to bury your burning face in. Or some scarves, several of those hermetic Hermes-es, to primally scream into.
What’s got me all jumpy? Art. Modern art, that joke. Take a look at this masterpiece:
- When the Roof Begins to Leak, by Martin Kippenberger, scam artist
Does it evoke great feelings of humanity, of God, burbling up from that mysterious place labeled heart? Nope? Me neither. Get this: that piece of junk is worth more than one million dollars!
Some scam, huh? A cleaning lady, bless her dear little soul, tried to clean that black basin at the bottom of the junk:
A determined German cleaner destroyed a piece of art valued at £690,000 by cleaning away what she thought was an unsightly stain from the artwork.
The cleaner got to work on an installation by the late and famed artist Martin Kippenberger at a museum in Dortmund.
Entitled “When It Starts Dripping From The Ceilings” the piece comprised a tower of wooden slats with a plastic bowl at the bottom painted brown to give the impression of discolouration caused by water. The cleaner took the paint to be an actual stain and scrubbed the bowl till it looked new.
What an utter joke the art world has turned into. I have seen children draw more inspiring bumblebee pictures. What did the pompous, pinched museumies have to say about it?
“It is now impossible to return it to its original state,” a museum spokeswoman said, adding that it appeared the cleaner was unaware of museum rules prohibiting cleaning staff getting with 20 centimetres of pieces or art.
Honestly, who cares? I wish that she had thrown it out. Wait, apparently that has happened before! Take a gander at the bag of trash below:
- Gustav Metzger’s Recreation of the First Public Demonstration of Auto-Destructive Art, scam
People actually went to the venerable Tate Gallery to look at that piece of garbage above. Yes, the picture with its tattered canvas is all part of a finished project. That bag of trash was what caused the problem:
A bag of rubbish that was part of a Tate Britain work of art has been accidentally thrown away by a cleaner.
The bag filled with discarded paper and cardboard was part of a work by Gustav Metzger, said to demonstrate the “finite existence” of art.
It was thrown away by a cleaner at the London gallery, which subsequently retrieved the damaged bag.
This is fun, is it not? Here is another nightmare by the untalented Damien Hirst:
- Damien Hirst’s 2001 Piece O’
(Facepalm) That is art? Guess what happened to it:
In 2001 a cleaner at a London’s Eyestorm Gallery gallery cleared away an installation by artist Damien Hirst, having mistaken it for a pile of rubbish.
The collection of beer bottles, coffee cups and overflowing ashtrays was said to represent the chaos of an artist’s studio.
Enough. I cannot take anymore pain. The last link on art nightmares comes courtesy of Time magazine, a periodical which borrowed its name, as in running on borrowed time. Read: when is it going to go belly up? Or some other more NSFW anatomy up?
This is art:
- Winged Victory of Samothrace
- 1935 Duesenberg SJ Speedster “Mormon Meteor”
And a classic:
- Amedeo Modigliani’s Jeanne Hebuterne
A landscapey jaunt:
- Winslow Homer, Breezing Up
A religious masterpiece:
- Leonardo Da Vinci, Last Supper
- Rene Magritte, Ceci n’est pas une pipe. But it may be art
- Ann-Margaret, Dallas in Stagecoach, Norman Rockwell, 1965
- Pope Yoda, Star Wars, La Nuova Figurazione Italiana
I took a painful class in college on philosophy and art. I learned nothing other than those two disciplines attract more than your average share of blowhard phonies.
As for the artists that I opened this posts with: wow. Someone actually shelled out money, turtles, quid, for that garbage. Art is an excellent investment. But I could not live with myself if I paid a million dollars for “When the Roof Begins to Leak,” by Martin Kippenberger.
I simply don’t like Kippenberger. Not so with this burger:
- Heavenly Masterpiece