Kim Kardashian at the Marine Corps Ball

Under penalty of antagonizing you, I must post this picture of Sgt. Martin Gardner and Kim Kardashian at the Marine Corps Ball this past week:

Kim Kardashian, Marine Ball, Sgt. Martin Gardner

My apologies. I try to avoid postings on a Kardashian of any sort. I blame the Sergeant.

Oh No, Clint Eastwood Goes Way of Kim Kardashian?

Is this possible? That Clint Eastwood is getting in on the Kardashian action? Is Dirty Harry actually going the way of reality teevee:

Clint Eastwood’s family is coming to TV in a new reality show.

The E! network said Tuesday that “Mrs. Eastwood & Company” will premiere May 20 as a 10-episode series.

The show spotlights Dina Eastwood, who has been married to the Oscar-winning actor-director since 1996. Also on hand are the Eastwoods’ 15-year-old daughter, Morgan, as well as 18-year-old Francesca, Clint Eastwood’s daughter with actress Frances Fisher.

Clint And Dina Eastwood on the E! network’s “Mrs. Eastwood & Company”

Rounding out the cast is the all-male, six-member vocal group Overtone, managed by Dina Eastwood.

Clint, you’re gonna lose your man card over this. Next we’ll hear you’re on Facebook.

Around the World in 72 Days with Kimbo Kardashian

Midnight at the NavyOne Mansion.

I sit on a leathered chair, a brandy snifter in one hand, a fire gently snapping in the fireplace, and my man-servant Igor nowhere to be found. I close the screen to my laptop and glare around the room.

Igor! Hey Igor. . .

(He appears in the doorway, eyes bulging.) Yes, Master?

Do you think it odd that the one day I post on Kim Kardashian, she is later in the news for divorcing her husband?

Odd how, Master?


(Igor grimaces.)

Whoops, sorry for yelling, Iggy. But imagine my surprise. Can you play some Halloween music, please?

Yes, Master. (Igor fiddles with a contraption on the mantle and creepy Halloween music clings to the air.) Could blogging about someone make them divorce their husband?

I don’t think that is how it works, Igor. Cut the Halloween music, will you? What about a Viennese waltz. . . Also, get out our nicest lady fingers. Offer them to our readers, please.

Yes, Master.

Oh and Igor, use our best silver tray.

Master, we only have one silver tray.

Shhhhh. (I gesture madly, with an angry elbow, at the blogging audience. At you.) Now please, Igor!

Yes, Master. (He disappears, only to return moments later. I frown.)

Igor, those lady fingers are attached to ladies! When I said lady fingers, I meant the cookie, the cakey wafer. (I smile weakly at the women.) Sorry ladies. Igor, return those fair damsels from wherest they were fetched!

As you wish, Master. (Igor clomps out of the room with the two non-wench-like ladies. Two minutes elapse and finally my man-servant returns. I look up from my laptop.)

Well Igor, the Kar-dashing-through-the-snow post was on coyotes and the fact that Kim and her sister Khloe’s mugs turn up whenever I google Calabasas. Apparently, they live near there.

Do tell, Master.

Her father was a lawyer, involved in the OJ Simpson case. The Bravo channel at the gym taught me all I know of their family.

Ah, Bravo. (Igor grinned a wide grin. As if he had caught me reading Tiger Beat magazine, the May 2011 issue, the one with Taylor Swift on page 42. And possibly, I’ve heard, page 43. Or listening to Nicki Minaj a beaucoup. Or some other pap pop schmear.)

Igor! I do not watch that show by choice.

Of course, Master. Who does?

I was spared the audio. While on the elliptical trainer, I listen to music. Bruce Jenner is her step-father. He walks around their house, in a  glory-days-gone-by trance, doing daddly things. Like the stain-the-deck-atholon.

I stained the deck once, Master. I dropped a PBJ on it, and tracked grape jelly all across the redwood.


It is no longer redwood, but purple-wood.

Is that not the name of Prince’s house?

It could be, Master. Why are we talking about the Kardashians?

Did you not read what cartoony Kimbo said about her now-deceased nuppies:

“I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have,” Kardashian blogged Tuesday.

“I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.”

Confirms a Kardashian pal: “She felt like she couldn’t turn back. She got in over her head. She made a big mistake and she knows it.”

Sad, Master. I missed the story. I don’t know how I have quite survived without this life-affirming news. Poor girl. And that pitiful basketball player who was married to her. No more grabbing rebounds for him, I suppose.

Igor! She brings shame to the blogging world. Who allowed her into the blogo-square? Not me. In another non-oil-of-olayed wrinkle, some lady is organizing a protest of the dashing Kardashians:

No more Kardashians! That’s the message a Denver area woman is promoting in an online petition, which is getting thousands of signatures.

Cyndy Snider, 41, started the petition in early November and nearly 2 weeks later. . .

What is the response, Master, to the pro-test? Or should I say, amateur-test? 

I tell you Igor, some people have got too much time on their hands and not enough hobbies, like blogging about tyrannical bloggers and their fictional man-servants. The lady has even received death threats over it:

While Snider’s disapproval of the show has gained support, there has been some serious backlash.

“I’ve had death threats. That’s been my latest, in the past 2 days I’ve had death threats. . . over the Kardashians.”

What else do you need me for, Master?

That is all, Igor. Please add Kimbo Kardashian, and her 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries, to the list of topics never to blog about again.

Yes, Master. (He gives the audience, you, an I’ve-heard-this-before smile.) The list is in the dungeon. Will you be needing anything else tonight?

No, Igor. Good work today.

Thanks, Master.

(He turns, humming to himself. Checking my list. Checking it twice. Checking to see who’s been naughty or nice. Kimbo Kardash is coming to town. Kimbo Kardash is coming to town. . .)

Igor, what did I say about singing?

Sorry, Master. Will you be needing the Lamborghini tomorrow?

I don’t think so.

Very well. Goodnight, Master.

‘Night, Igor.

(Down the hall, I can hear his faint warble. Kimbo Kardash is coming to town.)

I shake my head. Good help is hard to find, nothing like finding good blog readers. Publish a ridiculous post and blog readers, they will smile. And groan. Yes?

Jessica Simpson, Coyotes, Rick Perry, and the Kardashians

Coyote in Calabasas, California

As a runner, I have stumbled across my share of coyotes on the trails in California. They are wary, smart beasts, never letting me get too close.

They almost seem to laugh as I round a bend towards them. They are quick and scamper away as soon as I pull to within 75 feet.

I never want them to feel comfortable around humans, so if I have the energy, I yell at ’em. It may not help the situation, but it makes me feel better. And on a 8-mile run, that is key.

I have seen them loping through neighborhoods at dawn, as comfy as if they lived there. Never during the day, though.

Get your Mitt Romneys off me, says Rick Perry. I hunt coyotes!

The Republican Presidential hopeful, Mr. Rick Perry, even popped one with his concealed-carry handgun. The coyote was threatening him and his doggie on their run:

Texas Governor Mr Perry has insisted the story he told last year about shooting dead the animal during a morning jog near Austin is true.

The GOP presidential candidate said he needed just one bullet from his .380 Ruger to kill the coyote that menaced his puppy in February 2010.

Some folks questioned his story. I believe it, after seeing coyotes sprint through neighborhoods at first light.

‘One guy from upstate New York said (it could not have happened because) “coyotes would run away”,’ Rick Perry told Parade magazine.

Rick Perry, Presidential hopeful and coyote hunter

‘Come to Austin. I’ll show you coyotes that will come and get in your backyard and eat your little puppy.’

He said last year that he carries his gun when jogging on trails because he is afraid of snakes and had also seen coyotes in the undeveloped area.

Which brings me to this piece of non-peaceful news. Calabasas, nestled in the foothills of the Santa Monica Mountains near Los Angeles, has looked into ways they can coexist with the coyotes:

Debbi Gillman remembers the afternoon her daughter came home to find the remains of the family’s retriever-mix strewn across the backyard. And Jill Nevins said that when her children were small, they were afraid to take a walk after dark because they might run into a pack of coyotes.

Map of Calabasas, California

Still, both are cautiously supportive of a decision this month to ban the capture and killing of coyotes in Calabasas and instead teach people how to coexist with the predators.

“We’ve got a huge mountain behind us, and in a lot of ways we are encroaching on their territory,” said Nevins, a children’s librarian taking a lunch break.

It’s a sharp shift from the aggressive tactics that have been used for years in Southern California’s hillside communities, where authorities wage battle against the opportunistic coyotes that stray into neighborhoods looking for food, often in the form of pet cats and small dogs.

Kim Kardashian and her sister Khloe, in Calabasas, California

But increasingly city leaders and residents in communities like Calabasas are pushing to become more coyote-friendly cities by training people on how to avoid confrontations and leave the predators alone.

This is not going to end well. As a society, we must place a priority on human life. Surely we should not kill off coyotes, but we also should not cede our property to them.

The women quoted in this article better be prepared to explain to the parents of a missing child or a dead pet how their pro-coyote stance is better for our communities. Particularly with this nugget, later in the article:

Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote in Calabasas, California

In 2008, coyotes three times attempted to attack toddlers in San Bernardino County.

Guess who lives near Calabasas? The Kardashians! In googling the word Calabasas, Kim Kardashian and her sister Khloe appeared in many pics. So did pop-nothing Britney Spears. And pro-troops actress Alyssa Milano. Can you imagine the uproar if one of these folks were attacked?

Also, don’t forget that Jessica Simpson’s little dog was sadly eaten by a coyote:

Jessica Simpson and her dog, Dasiy. Sad coyote story

Jessica Simpson says her “heart is broken” over her missing 5-year-old maltipoo Daisy.

On her Twitter page, she writes: “A coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!”

Am I being anti-coyote? Or maybe I am a Road Runner fan and Wile E. Coyote is just a bully in my eyes? Gotta run, beep beep. . .