Snarking the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Tonight, the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards took place. These kind of shows are painful. Most of the movies I’ve never seen, and the back-patting and oozing self-congratulation get unbearable.

But let’s look at the Golden Globe red carpet arrival through a different, highly superficial lens. Does it not look as if the photographer messed with these pictures? As in, these actors and actresses have gigantic heads and tiny bodies? Like Anne Hathaway. Please get yourself a samwich, now:

Anne Hathaway arrives at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Anne Hathaway at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Or Dev Patel, what the heck happened to make your cranium look oversized:

Dev Patel arrives at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Dev Patel at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell, you guys look like cartoon characters:

Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell, 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

So do Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Sarah Hyland:

Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Sarah Hyland arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Sarah Hyland, 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Lena Dunham, after all the “your first time” tom-foolery you pulled at the election, I actually feel sorry for you. Now fire whoever convinced you to wear the dining-room drapes:

Lena Dunham arrives at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Lena Dunham at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Once again, the perspective on this picture looks off. Maybe Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis just need to eat normally. Like, why not grab dinner with Lena above?

Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills,

Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis, Golden Globe Awards

I sold suits in college. It was good money, one of a half-dozen jobs I had. And rule number one, avoid a puckered lapel on a tuxedo. You would think George Clooney would know:

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills,

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler, Golden Globe Awards

 A proper lapel as worn by Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs:

Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, C

Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

There you have it, the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards, not quite live from the Beverly Hilton. The last time I was there, I too, was in a tuxedo. One with tails even. Of course, it was my high school prom. I was 6’4, 170 pounds soaking wet then. And the tails made me taller and skinnier. Maybe I still I have not gotten over it, considering my comments here. Ah blogs, they are cathartic. Now where are my stone-washed jeans?

The Osbournes

The Golden Globe Awards are tonight. Do I care? Not particularly. I don’t do award shows. Not since the early 90s. But I am a blogger, so I dutifully waded through phony article after picture to bring you a slice of the festivities. And this picture of Sharon Osbourne popped up:

Sharon Osbourne, 69th Annual Golden Globes Awards, Beverly Hills

And I think, how old is that woman? Is she going to be in the old folks’ home flashing the Hook ‘Em Horns thang? So I trot over to wikipedia. And Sharon turns the big six-zero this year. As in 60. She is lucky, however. Her and Ozzy have this picture up on their wikipedia entry:

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, USS Missouri BB 63

Nice USS Missouri cover you got there, Ozz. Complete with some “scrambled eggs.” Look on the top of his brim. “Scrambled eggs” are for O-5s and above in the Navy. Other services grant field grade earlier. Not the Navy.

What’s up with the gold dog tags, with that peace symbol on it? Also, only one necklace in uniform, Ozzy.

As for you Sharon, fine: Hook ‘em Horns! But I’ll bet you are not a Texas fan. . .