Built for Sailors, the BMW M5

There is a retired Navy Warrant Officer who owns a BMW M5. I know, cuz I’ve sat in it when a certain female buddy of his, also a naval officer, has winged it around curves, dragged straightaways, taken off-ramps on a maximum of three tires. All the while you’d find me gently cooing to myself, alternating between Keep it together, man and Papa like, papa really like. . .

However monstrous that BMW M5 was, it pales in comparison to the new BMW M5:

2013 BMW M5

2013 BMW M5

Here is a list of syllables I’ve uttered while checking the speedometer in the Bavarian company’s new 560-horsepower, 190-miles-per-hour supersedan: J’aah! Gawwwwwddd. Nooo! Like its rivals in the factory-tuner sedan wars—the Mercedes-Benz E63 AMG S-Model, the Audi RS6, the Cadillac CTS-V, the Jaguar XFR-S—the M5 is a breathtaking, world-blurring outrage, a fast car for real nutters, people whose egos generate their own weather. . .

et me hit you with some numbers, courtesy of our friends at Car and Driver: 0-60 mph in 3.7 seconds; quarter-mile in 12 flat; 0-150 mph in 18.3 seconds. I’m pretty sure this $90,000-plus, 4,387-pound, five-seat executive saloon is quicker, and would be faster in one lap around your average road course, than a Ferrari F430. I’m no theologian, but somebody has got to go to Hell for this.

Now we gotta talk the Warrant into upgrading. . .