‘Skyfall’ China Censors

The Chinese government has censored James Bond and Skyfall, tinkered with certain pivotal scenes to fit its view of the world. Without ruining the plot too much:

The missing scene was set in Shanghai, when a French hitman (played by Ola Rapace) is shown shooting a Chinese security guard in the elevator lobby of a skyscraper before preparing for an assassination.

Berenice Marlohe and Daniel Craig in Skyfall
Berenice Marlohe and Daniel Craig in Skyfall

Later in the film, in a casino in Macau, Daniel Craig’s Bond questions the story’s femme fatale, Severine (Berenice Marlohe), about whether her tattoo is the result of her being forced into a local prostitution ring at an early age. While the lines remain intact on the soundtrack, the Chinese subtitles suggest the spy is asking her quarry about being coerced into the mob instead.

The film’s Chinese subtitles also fudged the exposition of the back story of the film’s villain, Raoul Silva (Javier Bardem), who tells Bond how he was handed over to the Chinese authorities while working for the MI6 in Hong Kong. He adds that he suffered immense torture at the hands of his interrogators before attempting to kill himself.

Chinese censors? I wonder what Jackie Chan has to say about this.

007 Visits the Troops

Some celebrities find time in their schedule to come visit the troops, wherever we may be. Daniel Craig, fresh off his success in the latest James Bond flick, visited my old stomping air. I would write stomping grounds,  but we were always at a high elevation when we flew over Camp Bastion in Helmand Province:

007, Daniel Craig, visits Camp Bastion to meet soldiers, introduce new James Bond film Skyfall

Mr. Craig recently got his American driving license. Remember, we drive on the right side.

Very Greek: Tonia Sotiropoulou

I took a semester of Greek in college and bumbled my way through the Alphas and the Betas*. It is a great language filled with root words that I recognize from prior meetings. When I saw the name of the new Bond girl, Tonia Sotiropoulou, I used my previous Greek training (do not try this at home) to ferret out that she was indeed, Greek.

Very Greek: Tonia Sotiropoulou

It’s the role every female actress wants, and Naomie Harris nailed it.

But it seems the Pirates Of The Caribbean actress will have some competition on her hands, as Skyfall introduces a new Bond girl.

Director Sam Mendes has cast Greek beauty Tonia Sotiropoulou alongside Daniel Craig, with the unknown actress bound to rocket to A-list status.

Tonia revealed on her Facebook page: ‘Dear friends. I officially announce I got a part in J. Bond new film!!! Turkey here I come! Thank u all for you love and support! This is officially the happiest day of my life bitches!!!!’

Ha ha, bitches? That does not sound very Greek of her. Τόνια Σωτηροπούλου, allow me to translate:

Αγαπητοί φίλοι. Μου ανακοινώσουν επίσημα πήρα μέρος σε J. Bond ταινία νέα! Η Τουρκία εδώ έρχομαι! Σας ευχαριστώ όλους για u αγαπάς και υποστήριξη! Αυτό είναιεπίσημα η πιο ευτυχισμένη μέρα της ζωής μου σκύλες!

The Bond film, Skyfall, appears to be an interesting romp. Some intel:

Production on “Skyfall” began in October 2011. Filming is being done in Turkey as well as Scotland, England and Shanghai, China, where the first still image from the film was shot. It shows Craig as James Bond, holding a pistol.

“Skyfall” hits theaters on October 26 in the United Kingdom and November 9 in the United States. It also features another new female character, the gun-toting field agent Eve, played by Naomie Harris. The actress is known for her role as Tia Dalma in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” films. She said her Bond character thinks of herself as the spy’s “equal.”

Daniel Craig sandwiched between Bérénice Marlohe and Naomie Harris

In the film, Bond’s loyalty to Judi Dench’s character, M, head of MI6, is tested after her past comes back to haunt her. The British Secret Intelligence Service is attacked and 007 sets off to stop its perpetrator. Also, in at least one scene, he will “swap his trademark martini” for a sip of Heineken beer, according to a recent report by Advertising Age.

Heineken? Are you kidding? Instead of shaken, not stirred will it be chilled, no lemon?

* I got a lot of mileage out the joke, as do all Greek students, that the language is all Greek to me!

Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig, That Ham Sandwich

Oy vey, opening this week is a real shlemiel of a movie.

Rachel Weisz, Dream House Star, Does Not Keep Kosher

Titled Dream House, it features a fine group of actors. Most notably, dear bubbalas, Dream House stars Rachel Weisz, Naomi Watts, Daniel Craig, and Rachel Fox.

Cue coffee-tawk music.

Ladies, can we kibbitz? S’okay to call actresses actors, right? The serious female ones seem to call themselves actors, so if I am offending any of you gentle yentas, it is unintentional.

(Eye roll.) Oy gevalt, if you are really miffed, it is intentional, mmkay? Mazels to you. Really. Gender and identity issues are so very 90s. Or at the very least, so aughts, the name for the 00s.

Daniel Craig, Dream House, Facially Ham Sandwich-like

Like buttah, Universal Pictures’ own synopsis of the flick: Some say that all houses have memories. For one man, his home is the place he would kill to forget. A family unknowingly moves into a home where several grisly murders were committed…only to find themselves the killer’s next target. Successful publisher Will Atenton (Craig) quit a job in New York City to relocate his wife, Libby (Weisz), and two girls to a quaint New England town. But as they settle into their new life, they discover their perfect home was the murder scene of a mother and her children. . .

Bottom line: I don’t do horror. A) Horr-ah is not usually scary. B) There is enough real-world (moyl-ish) horror out there. C) I don’t trust Hollywood. With anything. I don’t doubt those shvitzers have slipped in their usual bs. You say: paranoid there, blogowner? I say: I have learned my lesson and unless I really really really want to see a movie, than I no longer chance it.

Daniel Craig, Dream House, Smiling Post Op

But this blog post does have a point and the point is this. All you shlimzals wondering whether Rachel Weisz keeps kosher, the answer is a most emphatic no. After all, she is now dating married to Daniel Craig. And that man was born with a face like a ham sandwich.

Or perhaps, Danny Boy underwent surgery to screw his mug like that? Ham, James Ham. If that were me, I would fire my plastic schlocky surgeon. I’ll bet the MD probably lived across the street from an Italian deli. And he was hungry. (Is our Rachel not looking a little zaftig in the kishkas? Ham will do that to you; bubbe was right!)

On some planet not Earth, the Blogfather Commission members are shaking their collective heads. (Cue Mel Brooksy accent.) Vat a shmendrik! Vat is this NavyOne character doing? Vat a tuches! He blogs on Yiddish, horror movies, kosher eating habits, and gender identity discussions, all in one post? And he does a movie review without seeing the movie? Oy vey, who qualified this noodge to blog alone?

PS What would a post like this be without mention of our sponsor, the matchmaker: Rent-a-Yenta®. Looking for both a fetching wife and a kvetching mothah for the weekend? We got you covered, Rent-a-Yenta®!