Oy vey, opening this week is a real shlemiel of a movie.
- Rachel Weisz, Dream House Star, Does Not Keep Kosher
Titled Dream House, it features a fine group of actors. Most notably, dear bubbalas, Dream House stars Rachel Weisz, Naomi Watts, Daniel Craig, and Rachel Fox.
Cue coffee-tawk music.
Ladies, can we kibbitz? S’okay to call actresses actors, right? The serious female ones seem to call themselves actors, so if I am offending any of you gentle yentas, it is unintentional.
(Eye roll.) Oy gevalt, if you are really miffed, it is intentional, mmkay? Mazels to you. Really. Gender and identity issues are so very 90s. Or at the very least, so aughts, the name for the 00s.
- Daniel Craig, Dream House, Facially Ham Sandwich-like
Like buttah, Universal Pictures’ own synopsis of the flick: Some say that all houses have memories. For one man, his home is the place he would kill to forget. A family unknowingly moves into a home where several grisly murders were committed…only to find themselves the killer’s next target. Successful publisher Will Atenton (Craig) quit a job in New York City to relocate his wife, Libby (Weisz), and two girls to a quaint New England town. But as they settle into their new life, they discover their perfect home was the murder scene of a mother and her children. . .
Bottom line: I don’t do horror. A) Horr-ah is not usually scary. B) There is enough real-world (moyl-ish) horror out there. C) I don’t trust Hollywood. With anything. I don’t doubt those shvitzers have slipped in their usual bs. You say: paranoid there, blogowner? I say: I have learned my lesson and unless I really really really want to see a movie, than I no longer chance it.
- Daniel Craig, Dream House, Smiling Post Op
But this blog post does have a point and the point is this. All you shlimzals wondering whether Rachel Weisz keeps kosher, the answer is a most emphatic no. After all, she is now
dating married to Daniel Craig. And that man was born with a face like a ham sandwich.
Or perhaps, Danny Boy underwent surgery to screw his mug like that? Ham, James Ham. If that were me, I would fire my plastic schlocky surgeon. I’ll bet the MD probably lived across the street from an Italian deli. And he was hungry. (Is our Rachel not looking a little zaftig in the kishkas? Ham will do that to you; bubbe was right!)
On some planet not Earth, the Blogfather Commission members are shaking their collective heads. (Cue Mel Brooksy accent.) Vat a shmendrik! Vat is this NavyOne character doing? Vat a tuches! He blogs on Yiddish, horror movies, kosher eating habits, and gender identity discussions, all in one post? And he does a movie review without seeing the movie? Oy vey, who qualified this noodge to blog alone?
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