Snarking the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Tonight, the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards took place. These kind of shows are painful. Most of the movies I’ve never seen, and the back-patting and oozing self-congratulation get unbearable.

But let’s look at the Golden Globe red carpet arrival through a different, highly superficial lens. Does it not look as if the photographer messed with these pictures? As in, these actors and actresses have gigantic heads and tiny bodies? Like Anne Hathaway. Please get yourself a samwich, now:

Anne Hathaway arrives at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Anne Hathaway at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Or Dev Patel, what the heck happened to make your cranium look oversized:

Dev Patel arrives at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Dev Patel at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell, you guys look like cartoon characters:

Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell, 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

So do Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Sarah Hyland:

Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Sarah Hyland arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Sarah Hyland, 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Lena Dunham, after all the “your first time” tom-foolery you pulled at the election, I actually feel sorry for you. Now fire whoever convinced you to wear the dining-room drapes:

Lena Dunham arrives at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA

Lena Dunham at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Once again, the perspective on this picture looks off. Maybe Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis just need to eat normally. Like, why not grab dinner with Lena above?

Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills,

Helen McCrory and Damian Lewis, Golden Globe Awards

I sold suits in college. It was good money, one of a half-dozen jobs I had. And rule number one, avoid a puckered lapel on a tuxedo. You would think George Clooney would know:

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills,

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler, Golden Globe Awards

 A proper lapel as worn by Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs:

Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs arrive at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, C

Mark Wahlberg and Sean Combs at the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards

There you have it, the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards, not quite live from the Beverly Hilton. The last time I was there, I too, was in a tuxedo. One with tails even. Of course, it was my high school prom. I was 6’4, 170 pounds soaking wet then. And the tails made me taller and skinnier. Maybe I still I have not gotten over it, considering my comments here. Ah blogs, they are cathartic. Now where are my stone-washed jeans?

Occupy Wall Street’s Anne Hathaway Gets Engaged and Rants at Obscure Blogger in Announcement!

Adam Shulman, Anne Hathaway, the Mellow Jihadi

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Let’s get right to our breaking news: Occupy Wall Street‘s Anne Hathaway has gotten engaged!

Not only did the 99%er bag the ring, she actually acknowledged the Mellow Jihadi in her engagement announcement. And the proof below will shock you! She took us to task for our previous work, calling this blog “not good story.”

But before we discuss the tawdry dirty laundry, let’s scarf the details:

The star of “Rachel Getting Married” is about to have a wedding of her own. Anne Hathaway is engaged to her boyfriend of three years, Adam Shulman, an actor and jewelry designer.

The couple sparked rumors of their impending nuptials yesterday when Hathaway sported a very blingy ring on her left ring finger as the two strolled through Prospect Park with their dog. The actress’ her rep confirmed the news to Us Weekly.

Enos, Sonny Shroyer, original Dukes of Hazzard

Adam is an actor and a jewelry designer? Heading over to IMDB right now. Okay, his defining role is that of Deputy Enos Strate in Jessica Simpson’s Dukes of Hazzard movie. The bug-eyed actor Sonny Shroyer originated the character, a slice of thespian masterwork not seen since Don Knotts in the aviation series, Knotts’ Landing.

Hmmmm, upon further review, it was not the Jessica Simpson movie, but the bombastic prequel. That came out to universal hisses in 2007. In Spain, it was titledDos chalados y muchas curvas – El comienzo. (Blogger, who cried and cried wolf, confession: that is the real title. No joke.)

As for other acting jigs, do not discount Mr. Shulman’s star turn as Youth Voter #1 in the West Wing. Any role with a number attached signifies stardom. Marlon Brando himself got his first big break as Anonymous Mumbler #3.

Adam Shulman’s Jewelry

Okay, so clearly Adam is not about to burn up the acting world anytime soon. Let’s peer at his jewelry to the left.

Lightkeeper is its name. It can be found here. I don’t get it. The price: $1100. Wow. Do we have any jewelry experts in the house? Who can explain it to us? It comes with a pair of tweezers. Not twizzlers, tweezers.

On his jewelry website, a guy who calls himself the curator (like a museum curator?) remarks on the Lightkeeper piece:

“Adam Shulman is a Renaissance man with a wealth of fascinating ideas that transcend many creative disciplines. James Banks is a design byproduct of his beautiful imagination.”

Yeah yeah. I know a snorkling expedition when I see one. Obscure reference guide: A snorkling expedition is a snarky phrase, very often thrown around by senior military bosses to junior folk. I myself, received it once. Once:

Him: Ensign NavyOne, I am poaching you to join my department and take over Division 99 as a Division Officer.
Me: Great, sir! I think I will get 99 tattooed on my forearm.
Him: (One raised eyebrow.)
Me: (Weak, waning smile.)
Him: (Eyebrow returning to normal.) Knock off the snorkling expedition, Ensign NavyOne.
Me: Yes sir. No more brown-nosing from me.
Him: (One raised eyebrow.)
Me: (Weak, waning smile.) Well, for today at least.
Him: (Eyebrow returning to normal.)
Me: (Weak, waxing smile.)

Why is Anne Hathaway Mad at the Mellow Jihadi?

So as previously documented, Ms. Hathaway had some rocky moments when she dated a convicted conman for four years. She was known to be risk-adverse to hitchy relationships; the mama and paparazzi even dubbed her Anne There’s-No-Way, when they asked the 99%er if she would ever get married.

But the cherry on the weekend sundae was when Princess Anne took this blog to task in her final statement to Harper’s Bazaar. (Not to be confused with the emo rag, Larper’s Bizarre):

“So far, it’s worked out great,” she told Harper’s Bazaar. “Mellow doesn’t always make for a good story, but it makes for a good life.”

Mellow does not always make for a good story?!? I am pissed. What’s she got against this obscure blog? Oh well, I’ll take the good life thingee. No such animal as bad press, right?

Anne Hathaway Versus Deployed Army Soldiers

Ah, the babied class are getting into the act. The Princess Diaries’ Anne Hathaway, a talented actress to be sure, was sighted down at the Occupy Wall Street protest waving around two different signs. The first read Blackboards Not Bullets. And then she switched it out for one that read Blackboards Not Banks. What do you think:

Anne Hathaway, OWS, Blackboards Not Bullets

Okay, so I understand dissent. Somewhat. And participation in a peaceful protest, sure. It’s not me, but should you feel passionate, exercise (and exorcise) your First Amendment rights.

Per the article, Anne is worth $58,000,000 or 58KK. She earned more money in five days (during the filming of Bride Wars) than I have in my entire ten-year military career.

If she is not part of the 1%, I don’t know who is. Our pals over at wacky-pedia, inform us that her father was a lawyer and her mother an actress. Just your typical working-class upbringing.

Is this penance for bombing at the Oscars? Perhaps she is feeling guilty for the fact that she dated a con-man for years:

Anne Hathaway, Clueless

Earlier this year, Raffaello Follieri settled a lawsuit filed by Los Angeles billionaire Ron Burkle, who accused him and the Follieri Group of “systematically misappropriating” at least $1.3 million of more than $55 million that Burkle’s company had contributed to a joint venture. . .

Burkle’s suit said Follieri used the money to fund an extravagant lifestyle that included private jet travel for himself and Hathaway, as well as for loans of hundreds of thousands of dollars to the foundation.

Or that her ex-boyfriend Raffaello boldly claimed he spoke on behalf of the Vatican:

Raffaello Follieri and Anne Hathaway, the Grifter and the Protester

Follieri was arrested in June 2008 on fraud charges for allegedly fleecing investors out of millions of dollars in a scheme in which Follieri posed as the Vatican’s point man on real estate investing.

It was reported that the FBI confiscated Hathaway’s private journals from Follieri’s New York City apartment as part of their ongoing investigation into Follieri’s activities

Princess Diaries indeed. What Anne should really be protesting is her atrocious taste in boyfriends! Her ex-beau actually collected money for “charities” which he claimed helped third-world development.

Guess where the money went?

Anne Hathaway, Catwoman, The Dark Night Rises

Does she not realize she has a potential blockbuster coming up, The Dark Knight Rises? How do you think director Christopher Nolan or Warner Brothers view her extracurricular protesting hobby?

Undoubtably, the movie will gross several hundred millions of dollars. And a lot of the money will wash through the very hands Ms. Hathaway is demonstrating against. 

Or am I totally off-base? And Anne is not the naive little princess she appears to be and this act is a charade designed to get publicity. I think I would respect her more if this were the case. After all, Kanye West and Russell Brand already stopped by. And Jay-Z’s Occupy All Streets T-shirts attempted to ring up some bills. Of course:

She covered her face with a red checked pattern scarf to hide her identity and the people with her became more agitated.

Anne Hathaway and Adam Shulman, “undercover”

Her boyfriend, Adam Shulman, became annoyed when people started taking pictures of the The Devil Wears Prada actress.

Adam, who is also an actor, repeatedly stuck his hand out in front of his girlfriend’s face as a passersby attempted to get a picture of her.

Seriously? You are famous and you go to public event. What do you expect if not publicity?

Let’s change climes and move a little east, shall we? Take a look at our Army brethren over in Bagram:

Occupy Bagram, the Army in Afghanistan, Quit your bitchin’ and get back to work

I love it. Quit your bitchin’ and get back to work!

The funny thing about military bases is that many of them have the same little rocks, identical benches, and boxy structures. I thought I had perhaps visited that base, so familiar did it look. But no. Not Paper or Plastic Bagram for me. . .

Hand Salute: Theo Spark