‘Consciously Uncoupled’ = D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

You will have well and truly heard by now that the ‘celebrity married couple’ Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have announced that they have “consciously uncoupled!.” Or as Dolly Parton so often spelled out; they are heading down the road for a “D.I.V.O.R.C.E.”…article-2590788-1C90FB6400000578-427_634x442 How very Hollywood! Not that I give a rat’s arse about it, though there are children involved and it does appear that they do have their true interests at heart. What never ceases to amaze me is the weirdness that surrounds the people who live in the bubble of Hollywood, and the fact that they (and their practices) are accepted as normal to the false idol worshipers in the real world. It is pure speculation on my behalf; however, since the announcement it would appear that the breakdown in their previous ‘coupling’ was caused by the fact that ‘Gwynnie’ spends most of her time orbiting around the ‘Blue Snowball Nebula’ in the Andromeda constellation, some 2.5 million light years away! Just a personal observation obviously.     Yours Aye.article-2591285-1C9DC86B00000578-175_306x468

As Gwyneth Paltrow broke the news that she and husband Chris Martin were splitting up, it was immediately clear there had been three people in their marriage: Gwynnie, Chris . . . and her New Age guru, Dr Habib Sadeghi. 
Announcing the separation on her website Goop, the actress and lifestyle expert devoted just eight lines to an explanation, introducing a baffled world to the idea of ‘conscious uncoupling’. She then spent the rest of the announcement regurgitating a tortuously long essay that Dr Sadeghi and his wife Dr Sherry Sami had written to explain this psychobabble. More Here: If you think Gwynnie’s bonkers; then meet ‘Holistic wise man’ Dr Habib Sadeghi, founder of ‘Be Hive of Healing’ in Los Angeles, and Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘mentor’ and ‘favourite doctor’… 

Money can’t buy you class

article-2453984-18AD7CB600000578-444_636x382Wealthy Serbian bachelor Don Milisav Juan Gonzales Brzi, who claims to be 39? Is looking for a 16-20-year-old wife to share his life of luxury with him in his mansion. In the candid photos the eligible man poses in everything from silk pyjamas, to white suits and even thick furs. The images have gone viral in Serbia, Bosnia and Croatia, though it is sadly not known whether or not they proved a success. 

Money can’t buy you class, and in this case, money can’t even bring a smile to your face.  Bachelor Don Milisav Juan Gonzales Brzi, may well have drawn influence from his past life as a rodeo clown when he took to decorating his property?      Yours Aye.

Ten minutes to death-O-clock

Asking the grim reaper for the time. Now there’s a watch that not only predicts when you will die, it also begins counting down. Users fill out a questionnaire about their medical history before subtracting their age from the overall results to get their death score, his score is entered into the Tikker and the countdown begins. Dubbed ‘the death watch‘, Tikker has been created by Swedish inventor Fredrik Colting but far from being morbid, Colting calls it ‘The Happiness Watch‘ and claims it has been designed to help people make the most of their life and cherish the time they have left.   Would YOU want to know when you’ll die? Now there’s a watch that can predict your death to the nearest SECOND  While death is non-negotiable, life isn’t. All we have to do is learn how to cherish the time and the life that we have been given; seize the day, and follow our hearts.”article-2448539-1893CEA100000578-618_634x309  If this catches on and becomes as popular as the $ 1- X RAY SPECS  from the 60′s, then Fredrik Colting can order his XC90 Volvo now.  But who on earth would want to know what time they are going to hell in a handcart (and who on earth would want a Volvo). Yours Aye.

Cars for women, camels for men!

Is the saying used in Saudi Arabia when Sheikh Salah al-Luhaydan said “If woman drove they would damage their pelvis, and their children could suffer ‘clinical’ disorders”! In 2011 Muslim scholars said a relaxation of the ban would see both men and women turn to homosexuality and pornography. He went on to tell the Saudi news website sabq.org: “Driving could have a reverse physiological impact. Physiological science and functional medicine studied this and found that it automatically affects ovaries and rolls up the pelvis. This is why we find that women who continuously drive cars, their children are born with clinical disorders of varying degrees.”article-2436607-18597A1900000578-326_634x416 The startling conclusions were drawn in 2011 at the Majlis al-Ifta’ al-A’ala, Saudi Arabia’s highest religious council, working in conjunction with Kamal Subhi, a former Professor at the King Fahd University.

In the report Professor Subhi described sitting in a coffee shop in an unnamed Arab state. ”All the women were looking at me, one made a gesture that made it clear she was available, this is what happens when women are allowed to drive.” Their report assessed the possible impact of repealing the ban in Saudi Arabia, the only country in the world where women are not allowed behind the wheel. It was delivered to all 150 members of the Shura Council, the country’s legislative body. The report also warned that allowing women to drive would ‘provoke a surge in prostitution, pornography, homosexuality and divorce’. Within ten years of the ban being lifted there would be ‘no more virgins’ in the Islamic kingdom. 

Better not tell that to 93-year-old Elinor Otto, who works as a riveter on US Air Force C-17 Globemaster III cargo aircraft, at a Californian Boeing plant. Elinor first picked up a riveting gun during World War II, the original ‘Rosie the Riveter’ Elinor is out of bed every morning at 4-am, gets a coffee and newspaper, before starting work by 6-am; parking as far away from the plant as possible so she can walk over as part of her morning exercise. article-2434889-185171D300000578-998_634x358

Daddy is topless… SFW

Rather than brush this one under the carpet I thought I would try and read through to understand the story ‘proper-like’. I have failed, miserably… CAUTION Strategically pixelated; Topless equality transexual activist causes bust-up with neighbors after insisting on doing EVERYTHING – including barbecuing and bike-riding – half-naked  I also feel that 38-year-old  ’Stacey’ Schnee, the pre op (or) post op transexual who is a single Mom, was previously (presumably) a single Daddy at some point, who like most men would take off their shirts in summer to bask in the sun, without any one around taking offence.
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Perhaps ‘Stacey’ Schnee has fallen into the transexual trap of keeping a psychological foot either side of the metaphorical door, caused through a chemical imbalance. Because lets face it, the position she is now in can only be attributed to the amount of chemicals pumped into her body daily. 

Her quote also concerns me some what: “I’m topless and even nude in front of my kids all the time. ’For them it’s nothing. They don’t see it as anything strange at all. They just don’t care. ’This is just how our family is. It’s just a little different. Daddy has breasts and Daddy is now a girl. To them it’s completely normal. Normal is correct when used as an Antonym, certainly not when used as a Synonym. Normal Dignity & respect sits in balance with age & gravity, there is a time in an adults life when covering up correctly in front of growing children is expected. Nature, just like the English language, is a wonderful thing, messing with each brings along its own problems.

Yours Ayewho lives in the real world.

Zombie crocodile epidemic expected

Arizona is making ready for an out break of Zombies of the worst kindCrocodile Zombies, and they will soon be coming to a neighbourhood close to you, courtesy of Russia. Warning, the content may be graphic for those over 18. For those under 18, don’t worry they  see it every day, as they play their ‘shoot-them-up-kill-them-all-dead’ games.article-2432802-18454BBE00000578-251_634x430Horrific images of drug-users eaten alive by flesh-eating illness, caused by homemade heroin substitute that has arrived on American shores in ArizonaThe first cases of a terrifying new drug called ‘Krokodil’ that eats flesh from the inside out, is flammable and leaves addicts with reptilian-like skin have been reported this week in Arizona – and the state fears the beginning of an epidemic. Popular in Russia, ‘Krokodil’ is homemade, is three-times cheaper than heroin, and created by mixing codeine with gasoline or oil, filtering it and then injecting the rancid concoction into the users body. Banner’s Poison Control Center encountered the drug when two addicts arrived in emergency rooms with their flesh hanging off their body, exposing bone or with skin resembling that of a crocodile, hence its name.

I hope to God the craze for ‘Krokodil’ stays away from this side of the pond, cos only the bad guys are allowed guns over here. Though I could always duct tape a Fairbairn-Sykes Commando knife to each of the canines heads, and keep them hungry…                       Yours Aye.

Cats, dogs & a sneaky bunny rabbit

I once went out with a girl who owned a full grown 3-year-old Neapolitan Mastiff, it was a short lived relationship that lasted all of several days as the dog suffered from fits of ‘raged jealousy’. On my first visit to pick her up I ended up covered in saliva-goo, so thick I had to stop off at my home to change, and then head on to the restaurant to meet with friends.images-2

That evening as I dropped her back home, I thought I was going have to enter into mortal combat as I was left alone with the Mastiff, and he squared up to me; I didn’t back down or flinch, though I didn’t fancy being covered in blood, snot, and slavered-goo… His mistress saved him from the biggest hiding of his short life as she returned to the room; where upon he turned back into a bunny rabbit… ‘oh he is soooo cute’? As a gallon of thick drool slopped onto my heavily polished brogues. There was worse to follow over the course of several days, the content of which remains a locked secret to this day..article-0-18313F1400000578-282_634x514

It could have been worse, far worse, she could have had a cat like Annel Snyman 31, who has formed an incredible bond with an 18-month old ‘big cat’ called Timba after adopting him as a cub in March last year, and bringing him to live at her ranch in the Waterberg region of South Africa. 

Question, where does it sleep? Answer, any where it wants!        Yours Aye.

Meanwhile in Venezuela

It isn’t just the economy sliding down the pan! As the chronic shortage of toilet paper continues, it has forced the Venezuelan government to send troops to a factory to make sure stocks are fairly distributed. For the first time in the country’s history rationing is now being enforced; three single sheets per person per movement, the recommended use of which, is one sheet as a wiper, and two sheets for polishing! The shortage has led President Nicolas Maduro to order a national price regulator to take over toilet roll plants in the capital ‘Carac-ass’, to verify production processes and distribution, before placing them under the watch of the National Guard Below: The 50 Bolivar note, with Dr. Enrique Flushing pictured in front of the Nations Presidential palace, which incidentally houses the countries first water gravity fed flushing toilet system..ven50The South American country has been beset by a lack of consumer goods due to inflation and tough trading conditions. To this end, the President has now made it a federal offence for any citizen to use the nations Bolivars paper currency as wiping or polishing material. He has also condemned the use of individual sheets of toilet roll being used on the black market as currency. He has further stated that he and his government will not take the current situation sitting down, and contrary to public belief, the left hand does know what the right hand is doing.           Yours Aye.

Quick Fact

Redheads are harder to sedate than any other group. Using common anesthetics they require 20% more anesthesia. They also have a high tolerance for pain than normal people other types. This is because the Melancortin 1 receptor mutation that gives them red hair also triggers the excess release of Pheomelanin, which among other things stimulates a brain receptor related to pain sensitivity.ThreeScottishWarriors

Which now explains how my Irish Gran could pick up red hot cinders spat from the fire (with her bare hands) before throwing them back onto it again. It also explains why the fighting Irish and the Scots were so hard to knock down… It is staggering to read that research reveals that there are 20MILLION red hair gene carriers in the UK. Even more staggering, is that Yorkshire is as redheaded as Ireland (I was born in County Durham, and originally dark Auburn, until nature took its course)! article-2401346-1B7041FC000005DC-552_634x757 Map produced by the UK’s DNA showing where redheaded genes are concentrated. In Mediaeval times, red hair was associated with moral degradation, and intense sexual desire. images-2 Redheads with green eyes were regarded as vampires, werewolves and witches. The Spanish inquisition singled them out for persecution, believing their hair to be a sure sign that they stole the fires of hell.

Through personal experience I can state that redheads are my Kryptonite, and with that I will bid you all a goodnight!

Yours Aye.

Made in China, obviously

And let it remain so. Please keep the idea within the country, and do not export it!article-2398264-1B60B323000005DC-651_636x382

Chinese go undercover in Darth Vader-style visors as fear of exposure to the sun sweeps country All it would take is for one air head ‘celebrity’ to fashion it at a swanky hip bar on the boulevard… It may well happen!            Yours Aye.

A Pal like PayPal is a Pal indeed

‘Delaware County’ resident 56-year-old Chris Reynolds woke up to find himself the worlds richest person, and it wasn’t a dream, he was $92,233,720,368,547,800 better off thanks to his Pals at PayPal who transferred the money into his account.
$92 quadrillionPayPal accidentally makes man a QUADRILLIONAIRE after transferring $92,233,720,368,547,800 into his account

What goes up must come down, and what goes in will eventually come out, especially $92,233,720,368,547,800! At least he has the evidence to prove his short lived wealth.      Yours Aye. 

Samantha La Rocco, One Big Snook

There is pathetic and then there is super pathetic. Read this article on El Lay resident Samantha La Rocco and tell me how many ridiculous this sounds:

As many women can relate, being dumped is a horrible feeling filled with sorrow and pints of ice cream.

But in Samantha La Rocco’s case, her pity party was brought to an abrupt halt Sunday when she received an uplifting message on her to-go container from Truly Vegan, a restaurant in Los Angeles.

“I had just been dumped and was in full-blown break up mode,”La Rocco, 23, told GoodMorningAmerica.com. ”I was ordering food in, and my hair was mess and I had my break up pants on.”

In the midst of her sorrow, she decided to include a note in the special instructions section online while placing her order that read, “I’ve just been dumped. Please draw something inspiring on the container.”

Not expecting the restaurant to even really read the note, let alone follow through, she was more than pleasantly surprised when she received her salad.

“It was the happiest salad I’ve ever had in my life,” she said. “I kept the container. It’s still in the refrigerator.”

Included on the Styrofoam box was a stick figure holding a sign surrounded by hearts that said, “You’re worth it,” followed by “You don’t need him to be happy,” with a sunshine above it.

The message on the box was exactly what La Rocco needed to pick herself up and dust herself off.

“This is the best break up I’ve had,” she said. “The food container thing has totally helped.”

Okay, she had her break up pants on? I guess she gets broken up with a lot. (I wonder what those babies look like.) And she begs the Vegan Shack to draw a picture on her lousy styrofoam box and then when they do, she is ecstatic? And some vegan place, with that styrofoam box. Are they not big no-nos for the planet? She is only slightly less a snook than Casey Snook and her mother Kate Snook.

Oil up the chainsaw

Having double checked my diary, I am absolutely clear that as I type this at 21:12 hrs GMT, it is still Thursday 11th July 2013. Which means that the following link is not an April 1st bite. The link also has a movie clip, (for those out of mind bleach you may wish to view it later). WARNING: the link also contains cliches so corny that you may wish to turn off the sound completely.
article-2360579-1AC47C98000005DC-535_634x473Is this the most ridiculous movie ever made? Los Angeles ‘destroyed by flying sharks sucked up by tornado’ Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you the newly released Hollywood TV movie, that is ‘SHARKNADO’ (no sharks or ‘actors’ were hurt in the making of this film) Unfortunately!        

Yours Aye

LT George Prior and Daconil

In a list of unusual deaths, I came across this unfortunate nugget from 1982: Navy Lieutenant George M. Prior, 30, died in Arlington, Virginia from a severe allergic reaction to Daconil, a fungicide used on a golf course he attended. He had unwittingly ingested the substance through his habit of carrying the tee in his mouth when playing. I checked Snopes and this is the real deal. Normally I’d joke about a LT Prior, but not in this case.

One of These Is Not Like the Other

Two of these stories are real. One is almost real. Whaddya think?

Eugene Storley- 5’7, 65 years old, and a Marine- stopped a younger 6’6 bank robber.

Giuseppe Colarusso invented a new kind of square baker’s rolling pin:

Giuseppe Colarusso Improbabilita

Giuseppe Colarusso Improbabilita

MA3 Ryan Goodwin conspired with his wife Michelle Okolica to return from Kuwait and surprise their kids- while in full dive gear at the Newport Aquarium.

A Panda, a Vet, and a Photo

Ashley Foughty who lives near the zoo saw Rusty, a red panda who escaped.

Edna Fielden discovered Air Force MSgt Billy Fielden was buried next to the wrong woman.

There is something off with this photo by Scottish artist Claire Duguid.