From: Zombie Attack Prevention (ZAP) Headquarters
Subject: Using Krav Maga to Prevent Zombie Attacks
Krav Maga Zombie Shield
Zombie attacks, are you prepared for them?
It has come to our sad attention that some among you may have forgotten one or two of the seven lethal elbows of Krav Maga. This will not abide.
Bottom line up front: you have no idea when a surprise zombie attack might occur. And there you’ll be: scratching your dry, flakey scalp (or itching something worse), trying to remember which numbered elbow to throw.
Have no fear! Some enterprising, young elbower has made the process easier with a pictorial display. More information can be found at his site:
The Seven Deadly Elbows of Krava Maga, Last Resort to a Zombie Attack
Should you desire some video accompaniment to the deadly art of Krav Maga elbows, the following YouTube vid should suffice. You will notice the clip is in an instructional format. It does not feature real-world altercations with the undead.
My experience with these bloodless creeps has led me to believe that prepping video equipment, to capture them in their untamed glory, is nearly impossible. Yes, they are not exceedingly smart, but they are spontaneous. Sort of like Neil at a Neil Diamond concert. You know Coming to America is on the horizon. You just don’t know when. Zombies are the same way. They are coming to America. But I got nothing as to time and place.
Maria Menounos, Krav Maga Expert, Feminine Zombie Repellant
And for our cuddly, female zombie killers: you too have options!
Do not allow the bloodsuckers to chase you all over your house, in and out of your living room, down through your laundry area, and out into your garage, without at least popping one good, close-quarters elbow.
When and if the zombies come prowling, slip some good tango music onto your iPod dock and go to town.
Alternative attack possibilities: should you be baking pies: WATCH THIS VIDEO! (Ladies, if you do one good act for yourself today, click that empowering link. Forget about Oprah, Dr. Fill, O Magazine, One Life to Live, the Wizard of Oz. . .Watch that!)
"Quintana, that creep can roll man." Click on pic for demo
Of course, your two best alternative weapon options are a 12 gauge with silver slugs or a burlap sack with a bowling ball inside. But should one of your several shotguns be not handy, Maria Menounos (featured on: Today, Access Hollywood, Extra, and Entertainment Tonight) will demonstrate effective and deadly elbows for you to experiment with.
Jesus Man, not a Krav Maga Zombie Killer
Please observe the one long gun per room minimum, as per Zombie safety manual (zombinst 1410.3h: Sawed-offs, due to their swingable barrel, are an ideal zombie defense weapon. Duct tape one to your leg to combat possible forgetfulness.
Months down the road and a pending zombie attack? No problems, mon. Unstick your boom stick and go boom. Warning: do not walk through airports geared up in this fashion. We here at the Zombie Attack Prevention HQ will no longer bail team members out of the pokey should you find yourself canned.)
Moni Aizik, Commando Krav Maga Zombie Killer
Lastly, for our steely-eyed killers seeking something possibly more lethal, Commando Krav Maga founder and chief instructor Moni Aizik has a blood-curdling move called the Rhino (not to be confused with the spray-on, pickup truck liner.)
Mr. Aizik follows his Rhino defense up with an offensive move called the cat strike. Yes, it is feline-ish; yes, it is exactly what you are thinking. . .
Do watch the video. You know the zombies are. Watching the video, your house, waiting. To pounce. Argggh, zombies! There are not enough elbows in the world to rain down on them. Well, there would be, if all ZAP team members would pull their weight. (Hint, hint.)
2 (two/dos) alligator
Final thought- As a rule of thumb, a good Krav Maga elbow striker can, from a standstill: throw any of the above numbered elbows at a poppyseed bagel, slice it perfectly in two, smear it with chive nosh, and be smacking it before you can shriek 2-alligator. Yes Zombies, we are that good. (Caution: pumpernickel bagels, due to their robust nature, have given some of our elbow strikers fits. Stick with the lighter, seeded variety for best results.)
Word to the wise (undead): don’t mess with our numbered elbows. You will get bladed (with an elbow #6) and it will rattle your dentures.
Very Truly Yours,
ZAP HQ Training Manager
PS Team members, do not forget to pay your dues for this month. Due to inflation in the mid-sectional region, we will not be accepting any more (delicious, scrumptious) pies. So sorry!
Hand Salute: America’s 1st Sergeant for the pie link.