Monty Python puritans listen up!

And now for something completely PC: Monty Python stars censor ‘Chinese only come up to your knees’ song for big O2 reunion. For decades they cheerfully offended millions of TV viewers and cinema-goers with their attacks on religion and the Establishment. But Monty Python have finally succumbed to the censor, as they give one of their songs a politically correct makeover for the troupe’s sold-out reunion shows at London’s O2. ‘Pythons’ drop lines from their 1980 song ‘I Like Chinese.’article-0-1F69AE0D00000578-658_634x419  In the original version of the song, written by Eric Idle, he used to sing: ‘I like Chinese, I like Chinese, They only come up to your knees, Yet they’re always friendly, and they’re ready to please.’ But in the version performed at the O2, Idle now sings: ‘I like Chinese, I like Chinese. They copy everything they sees. But they’re up on the boom so they’ll do as they please.’ Fellow Python Terry Jones said: ‘Eric obviously knows why he changed the lyrics. I suppose it was dropped for reasons of political correctness.’ And now for something completely PC: Monty Python censor ‘Chinese only come up to your knees’ song for big O2 reunion.

Fortunately I do not have a politically correct bone running throughout my inoffensive body, so for the Python puritans out there; the following original 1980 version for your edification, accompanied by the lyrics for a good old sing-song.  Yours Aye.   Offence never intended, just a stand against the bloody PC brigade…I like chinese

“I Like Chinese.” Eric Idle of Monty Python. 1980 Original version…

‘The world today seems absolutely crackers, With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky-high. There’s fools and idiots sitting on the trigger. It’s depressing, and it’s senseless, and that’s why…’

(sing-along)
I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They only come up to you knees,
Yet they’re always friendly and they’re ready to to please.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
There’s nine hundred million of them in the world today,
You’d better learn to like them, that’s what I say.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They come from a long way overseas,
But they’re cute, and they’re cuddly, and they’re ready to please.

I like chinese food,
The waiters never are rude,
Think the many things they’ve done to impress,
There’s maoism, taoism, I Ching and chess.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
I like their tiny little trees,
Their zen, their ping-pong, their ying and yang-eze.

I like chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confusious taught,
If Darwin is anything to shout about,
The chinese will survive us all without any doubt.

So, I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They only come up to you knees,
Yet they’re wise, and they’re witty, and they’re ready to please

Wo, ai zhong guo ren,
Wo, ai zhong guo ren,
Wo, ai zhong guo ren,
Ni hao ma, Ni hao ma, Ni hao ma zai jian.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
Their food is guaranteed to please,
A fourteen, a seven, a nine and li-chese

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
I like their tiny little trees,
Their zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-eze

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They only come up to your knees (fade out…) ;-)

‘Don’t go out master, there be demons!’

Through personal choice and planning I vary my daily routine; specific work and social appointments are the only timings set in concrete. Inevitably my three canines play a major part in my life, their individual requirements for the outdoors being a priority (and mine)… Each day as I undergo my ablutions they remain motionless; quite content to take advantage of the cool morning air that settles on the landing surrounding their sleeping area. It all changes as soon as they hear my walking boots hit the deck; two screaming banshee’s descend the stairs, followed by an old & bold canine warrior with 12 years experience under his fur (Joss is more of a plodder these days, but still up for it.)Fenced sanctuary So far summer has been amazing, the inner fenced garden surrounding my humble abode is proof of that. The outer three acres are also testimony to natures ability of unfettered wild growth, so much so that I had to call upon a tractor-mower to cut walking paths through the waist-high grass, as a mild dew on a morning walk required a boot and trouser change afterwards, with three soaking wet canines to dry off before breakfast.DSC_0043A few days ago just after lunch Joss submitted his ‘snooze chit,’ deferring attendance from our field walk. Hannah as usual tore off through the open access gate that leads into the field, Nipper started then declined to follow, which is most unusual and the first time ever! Even as I passed by and called for him to follow on he just refused to budge from his stance, then he turned and trotted back to the door step pushing up against the glass panel door to enter the house. It was a fine day of which the top picture bears testament, aided by glorious sunshine with a good easterly breeze coming in from North Sea. Hannah returned to find Nipper but he was having none of it, he wanted to be back indoors so I obliged his request, which left Hannah and I to walk on without him.Storm cloud pressure wave As I entered the field through the access gate it soon became apparent why Nipper also deferred, even Hannah was now having second thoughts. Just then a loud rumble of rolling thunder echoed in the far distance. A huge dark weather system was fast rolling in from the west, on top of which sat a curved slim pressure cloud, daylight was slowly turning to dusk at 13:00 hrs? The ominous dark clouds were forcing a drop in air pressure, some thing bad or unpleasant was about to happen so I went and grabbed a camera… At the point of reaching for the camera all three canines were snuggled up in one bed basket, of which Joss was none too happy about.   ‘Don’t go out master, there be demons!’DSC04098The wind was still blowing in from the east, and yet the weather system was rolling in hard from the west (any Meteorological Officers looking in?) Surrounding wildlife had sought shelter, all was still save for the incredibly loud ‘boom’ of rolling thunder, after which an ear-splitting crack of lightning hit the ground. The demons had arrived, and yours truly departed at the double tactically withdrew and headed indoors! There was no room in the dogs basket so I decided to put the kettle on, at which point my humble abode suffered an absolute power cut… Bugger, and far too early for a tot of rum…  Click all pics to enlarge Rolling thunderSitting and pondering life whilst twiddling my thumbs, I suddenly remembered the emergency gas stove and steam kettle. Joy of joy’s, salvation was mine ‘a pot of tea was soon to be.’ I hauled the emergency box out of its hide’y hole and set every thing up; ‘just as the power kicked in and returned civilisation to my humble abode.’ Being stubborn I flashed up the gas and boiled the water into steam the old-fashioned way. Never did a pot of tea taste so good, along with a digestive biscuit, or two! The rattle of the biscuit tin brought down two screaming banshee’s from atop the stairs, followed by Joss the plodder. The field walk was back on as daylight returned. The demons and their mode of transport had rolled over, they were now heading out across the North Sea en-route to the land of the Vikings, Denmark and Norway. No match what so ever for the strength of Yorkshire tea slurped from a tin mug.      Yours Aye.  

Where there’s Yorkshire tea, there be no demons!’

‘Do not use in direct sunlight’

Malaysian man comes up short after buying £100 penis enlarger online… but gets sent a £5 magnifying glass with warning ‘Do not use in sunlight’article-2647074-0B6442C000000578-803_634x372A vain Malaysian man who ordered a penis enlarger online was stunned when the device was delivered – a magnifying glass! To add insult to injury the magnifying glass came with an instruction that would at least prevent the man from causing injury to himself. It read: Do Not Use in Sunlight. The victim of an elaborate scam, which cost him the equivalent of £100- ($167-) for a £5 magnifyer has been named only as Ong, the chairman of Malaysia’s customer complaints bureau, Mr Seri Michael Chong, told The Star newspaper. ‘As you can imagine, he is feeling rather disgruntled,’ said Mr Chong. Malaysian-man-buys-£100-penis-enlarger-online-gets-sent-magnifying-glass

He could always take up stamp collecting?            Yours Aye.

A young married couple were making their first visit to the Doctors surgery after discovering the wife was pregnant. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small rubber stamp and ink pad out of his drawer and gently stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible indian ink. The couple were curious over the reason for such stamping, but as it was their first time they just accepted it as normal. When they got home the husband dug out his ‘magnifying glass’ to view the small inked mark. In very tiny letters the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.” ;-)

Puckering up!

A family visiting the Willis Tower’s iconic Skydeck Ledge suffered the scare of their lives on Wednesday when the glass ledge they were standing on 1,353-feet above the Chicago sidewalk cracked under their feet. A spokesman for the Willis Tower said that what cracked was a protective coating on the top of three layers of glass one half-inch thick but just moments before they stepped off the 103rd floor, the Garibay family say they were told by staff the window floor was unbreakable. ‘Liar liar pants on fire’article-2642967-1E4F14DF00000578-964_636x382Do not look down! Brave tourists step out onto The Ledge which juts out 1,353ft above the sidewalks of Chicago They-said-it-was-unbreakable-Tourists-shock-as-glass-floor-on-Willis-Towers-Ledge-cracks-under-their-feet.

Some powerful ‘orifice puckering’ going on that day! ;-)        Yours Aye

Merde face à des traîtres avides!

article-0-1DE7F0EC00000578-287_634x424Tenterden, a market town in Kent campaigns to move to Central European Time to ‘cash in on tourism!’ S**t face greedy traitors!article-0-1DE7F3A700000578-847_306x414

A pretty English market town could adopt central European time – in a bid to boost tourism numbers. The idea has been backed by the town’s Chamber of Commerce, and if approved would mean the small rural village being an hour ahead the rest of the UK.  With a population of 7,800, the town, which has been twinned with Avallon in France for 25 years, believes it should be ‘closer in line with the rest of Europe’

Mike Carter, the Chamber’s president said: ‘‘I think we should seriously push this forward, ‘Tenterden is a real tourist hub and we need to cash in on the millions spent in the area and make the best of it. ‘I hope this gets people talking and thinking about the idea.’ Mr Carter plans to start lobbying Ashford Conservative MP Damian Green to put pressure on the government to rethink the UK’s clocks. The chamber has a meeting with Mr Green later this month and he intends to raise it there. Mr Carter said: ‘It was done as a bit of fun, but there is a serious side to it.’article-0-1DE7F05900000578-973_634x424‘It would be great for tourism to have the extra hour sitting outside and people would save on their electricity bills.’ ‘For quality of life, businesses and leisure time it would be so much better.’ When Mr Carter raised the question at the chamber annual meeting, the majority of those present voted in favour. Judy Turk, chairman of the Tenterden & District Twinning Association, said: ‘I think it would be a great idea for England. ‘Businesses would be on the same time and it would not get dark so early. ‘I can’t say I have noticed having the extra hour when we have been in France, but then we only go for three days.’ Twinners are going to Avallon later this month for celebrations marking the quarter century of friendship. Pretty-market-town-Tenterden-Kent-campaigns-Central-European-Time-cash-tourism.

Greedy traitorous barstewards! Those who sit on the chamber of commerce committee  should be put in the towns stocks and suffer two days of being pelted with rotten vegetables. They should then be force-fed frogs legs until they become ill, after-which their British passports should be revoked. Then, and only then, they should be given a one way ticket to the French town of Avallon to face life a long banishment from England’s shores. Yours Aye!  

Tongue in cheek humour & not a threat against the Chamber of Commerce committee, who work hard at promoting the beautiful market town of Tenterden… ;-)

A bubble half-burst…

You know that great feeling you get after taking a long hot shower, when you sit down and apply cool ‘foo-foo’ powder to your feet and rub it in between your toes; knowing full well that the tactile sense is about to be enhanced as you are about to put on a pair of brand new Merino wool summer walking socks…  If not, try it you will absolutely love it1793982g

Have you ever had your bubble burst right in front of you, when you realise that one of the Merino wool summer walking socks has had the end chewed right out of it by your one year old Staffie x Jack Russell!  The same bubble burst had the effect of splashing soapy water droplets into my eyes, as I realised there was one sock laying there in mint condition that would never-ever be worn.  DSC_0011Nipper has never chewed anything, save but a large black Kong pacifier which is his one and only acceptable gnawing habit.  At this point I have to step forward and explain that I take full responsibility for the evolution; I am responsible for the demise of my own bubble! This morning prior to taking a shave and shower I laid out my fresh walking clothes and rather exuberantly teased Nipper with one sock; by gently slapping him around his face, after which I left the sock folded within my chosen walking boots. Those that know me also know I greatly appreciate anything that bodes well with the great outdoors, which fortunately (through birthday gifts as well as Xmas presents) brought forward several pairs of Marino wool walking socks, all brand new. The bubble semi-inflated… DSC_0007 What I didn’t need was Nipper adding insult to injury when he walked into the room. I pointed at the ‘dead’ sock and in my authoritarian voice said “Who done that?” Upon which (without any act of guilt or contrition) he simply picked it up and bimbled out of the room to his bed on the landing. We have since had words and broke bread with one another, problem solved and a valuable lesson learned. At least I think that’s what he said? Yours Aye.

A Knight of cheese & port…

Is eating cheese late in the evening bad for you? Does it give you nightmares?411368I ate a whole lot of cheese and crackers last night as I watched ‘The Kingdom of Heaven’ resulting in the most weird dream that I recall in the greatest detail!  A quick perusal of the Internet revealed the following to my questions above…

The ‘British Cheese Board’ carried out a scientific investigation in 2005 in which participants were asked to eat a small 3 ounce piece of cheese before bedtime. They kept a record of their dreams and nightmares to detect any patterns and see if they really could induce cheese dreams. Interestingly, 75% of volunteers said they slept pretty well every night and most of those could remember and report their dreams. This led the Cheese Board to conclude that the essential amino acid in milk (called tryptophan) was having its effect on the cheese-eaters by normalising their sleep patterns and reducing stress levels. Staffordshire Bull Terrier, horse back near the tavernIn an interview with National Public Radio, Nigel White, the Secretary of The British Cheese Board, explained that people eating Blue Stilton cheese before bedtime reported very vivid dreams – not necessarily nightmares, but certainly wacky in their content. So, does eating cheese give you nightmares?Spamalot_1771

According to the British Cheese Board the answer is no. But it does appear to increase dream intensity, which helps you to remember more dreams, and produces more vivid and emotionally charged dreams, depending on the type of cheese you eat and the amount…

Thank ‘Gawd’ for that as I dreamt ‘Joss’ (my dog of noble blood) had taken his fill of ale at the tavern and rode off into the sunset, leaving (me) his lowly serf to trot on behind on foot! Perhaps washing my palate with a glugg of Port added to the surreal fantasy…        Yours Aye.

Chihuahua/Staffordshire Bull Terrier X!

Elmo, (‘Chihuahua/Staffordshire Bull Terrier X,’) and his two larger ‘Staffie’ companions are being taught a lesson in discipline that involves a doggy sausage treat. He and his two canine companions are learning to obey their ‘Mum’ when she commands them to “WAIT!” Elmo’s playing with fire, but who dares wins…       Arriba, Arriba! Andale, Andale!Elmo and friends Three dogs were given treats; but keep your eyes on the cheeky little chap on the right!

Groan… As if a Chihuahua needs more attitude than it already possesses, they go and give this one a Staffordshire Bull Terrier coat to wear!  ;-)        Yours Aye.

Dull Boring and Bland…

article-0-1D6A84F200000578-194_634x465Oi! Wake up… I have some exciting news! Scottish village of Dull and US town of Boring join forces with BLAND in Australia to boost tourism. It’s a partnership that’s resulted in a boost in tourism for Dull and Boring. And now Bland is looking to get in on the action.article-2388552-1B39EF86000005DC-979_634x415 The village of Dull in Scotland and a town called Boring in Oregon, US, forged links in 2012 in what was billed as ‘a pair of the ages’ due to their less-than-glamorous names.130220_boring_oregon_lg The duo has seen a rise in visitor numbers, with Boring businesses cashing in on the quirky partnership, such as the Not So Boring Bar & Grill, and a Boring and Dull Day held on August 9.          (Dull church-one above-on a bright day!)article-2614750-1D6B7C8C00000578-919_634x376And now Bland Shire in Australia has received confirmation that it is joining Dull and Boring in their ‘league of extraordinary communities’. Neil Pokoney, the mayor of Bland Shire, told The Scotsman: ‘Dull and Boring basically have a tourism relationship. ‘We heard about it and thought it would be even better if it became Bland, Dull and Boring. ‘It’s good for us to be able to take a light-hearted look at a name that many would see to be a weight around our necks.’ Bland, which was originally a gold mining and farming area, has a 6,000-strong population. The shire is named after William Bland, who was transported to Australia as a convict after killing a man in a duel in Bombay. He was also the first person in the Australian Medical Association. Scottish-village-Dull-US-town-Boring-joins-forces-BLAND-Australia

We have some cracking street, village, and Town names over here in the UK, which range from the school boy ‘giggle-behind-your-hand-type,’ to the more acceptable that reflect upon Saxon, Viking, and Roman words. Many are named after heroic deeds or the people responsible for such deeds stretching back 700 years to modern-day. Some are unbelievable; so much so that Japanese tourists travel the length and breadth of the country just to have their pictures taken next to the signposts… Britains-worst-place-names I s**t you not!  :-)                  Yours Aye.

Chinese Boxer Rebel’s storming the walls

The Nipper alarm went off at ‘O-crack-sparrow-fart’ this morning, which is very early indeed. In fact as early morning alarms go it is classed as earlier than ‘O-daft-O-clock,’ the latter of which beats nature’s dawn chorus by a full 30 minutes. As it was Nipper that stirred and growled (& not Joss and Hannah) I put it down to his inexperience in life and all things country-wise, after all he is still a ‘young-un’ experiencing is his first British Summer Time. Had it been a growl from the old and bold fearless Joss, followed up by Hannah’s wailing and gnashing of teeth, I may well have mustered the enthusiasm to crawl out from the depths of my bed and taken a look-see. Royal Marine Light Infantry-Circa 1901-PekingA05921Having turned over I went back to fighting the hordes of Chinese boxer rebels as they stormed the walls of the British delegation; the blame of which I put down to eating cheddar cheese toasties while watching the movie ’55 Days at Peking’ the evening before!

BoxersDrawingByKoekkoek1900

Just as I parried a blow away from the boxer rebel’s bladed pole-arm, I shifted my body weight forward ready to ‘run me bayonet’ through the side of his chest. The low growling Nipper alarm sounded for the second time, which dragged my floating grey matter away from Peking’s bloody carnage back into the real world. Still no back up from the wiser canines as I lay motionless listening for the slightest noise (wondering about the boxer rebel who had almost been dispatched to meet his mystical spirit), according to my bedside time piece it was now ‘O-daft-O-clock.’ 

Nipper had succeeded in his attempt to bugger up my morning as I was wide awake and required a strong cuppa-char; it was time to put the kettle on and scan the outside area for the cause of his concern. First stop being the upstairs office for my ‘grab and run’ clothes that are positioned there to stop me charging around the building naked (in case of fire-or intruder.) The ‘young-un’ followed me cautiously as I entered the room, he was again growling lightly and walked toward the huge window in slow motion, cocking his head from side to side frowning as he did so. His manner put me on edge, that also pushed me to quickly jump into my rig of the day, boots and all. Only then did I gently tweak the blinds a tiny crack to peek outside to observe the cause of his agitation.  Click to enlargeFrench Partridge There before me in the field stood atop the tree logs were a pair of ‘alectoris rufa,’ or ‘deux perdrix français’ or even ‘two red legged french partridge!’ Nipper must have been blessed with a submariner’s acoustic hearing at birth, because Joss and Hannah were still pushing out zzzZZZ’s, whilst the cheeky french couple had been helping themselves to the wild bird seed in the garden (at the same time depriving an Englishman of his sleep.) I took the photograph and then spooked them both into flight-much to the annoyance of Nipper whose tail was wagging for England. His wish was to get out and play on the logs with his new-found gaily coloured Gaelic feathered friends. My wish was for a pot of tea and a bacon sandwich, and a manufacturer who makes ear defenders for young canines… Harrumph!            Yours Aye.

Snivelling wretched excuse for a man

article-0-1CA8994800000578-175_306x423CNN’s Piers Morgan takes final parting shot at NRA and ‘cowardly’ politicians on final show; I am so pro-American I want more of you to stay alive.’

Piers Morgan, CNN’s departing talk show host, could not miss one last opportunity to take a swipe at U.S. gun laws Friday before signing off after three years on air. Morgan devoted the final minutes of Piers Morgan Live to the issue that he said has been a consistent and often controversial part of the programme. The British-born presenter cited gun violence statistics and expressed dismay that mass shootings including those in Newtown, Connecticut, and Aurora, Colorado, haven’t led to stricter gun control laws. 

Morgan delivered his impassioned 3-minute address after devoting most of the programme Friday to the coverage of the search for the missing Malaysian plane. ‘After three years, two months, 11 days and over 1,000 shows, I am departing to spend more time with my cricket bat,’ quipped the 48-year-old English expat. Morgan spent a few moments thanking his staff and his viewers – ‘even those who implacably disagreed with me, or just found my funny accent annoying’ – before launching into a tirade against America’s gun violence epidemic. Piers Morgan Says Goodbye with a gun control ‘caveat’piers morgan the bore  CNN’s ousted presenter insisted that guns belong on a battlefield in the hands of professional soldiers ‘fighting for democracy and freedom’ – not in the hands of civilians. Morgan cited hair-raising figures of gun violence, which claims on average 35 lives every day, in addition to another 50 who kill themselves with firearms. ‘I assumed that after 70 people were shot in a movie theatre, and then, just a few months later, 20 first-graders were murdered with an assault rifle in an elementary school, the absurd gun laws in this country would change,’ he said. ‘But nothing has happened.’ In his parting shot at the National Gun Association, Morgan accused the powerful gun lobby of bullying U.S. lawmakers into ‘cowardly’ silence. 2011 FBI Crime Statistics-fails to mention the crimes are attributable to the Socialist Labour Governments open border immigration policy!piers-morgan-us-uk-gun-effects

‘My point is simple: more guns doesn’t mean less crime as the NRA repeatedly says,’ Morgan continued. ‘It means more gun violence, death and profits for the gun manufacturers. ‘And to those who claim my gun control campaigning has been “anti-American”, the reverse is true. I am so pro-American that I want more of you to stay alive.’ images

Quoting Winston Churchill, Morgan said that he has given the issue of gun control ‘a tremendous whack,’ even as his many detractors called him out for being too loud and rude when debating the subject. Morgan concluded his final show by urging Americans to stand together and cry ‘enough!’ CNN announced last month that it was pulling the plug on Piers Morgan Live after three years due to lacklustre ratings.images

America please forgive this British champagne guzzling socialist for his sins (because we don’t want him back over here in the United Kingdom.) However; if he is to come back then pray Gawd it is to appear in court on phone hacking charges, followed by a spell in prison. A long spell in prison to keep him off our screens…            Yours Aye.

Evidence Mounts Against Piers Morgan in Phone Hacking … – Breitbart

 British police question CNN’s Piers Morgan over phone-hacking … Reuters

BBC News – Piers Morgan questioned over phone hacking…

No hugging please, we’re British.

Perhaps it was the fault of the children’s early learning program ‘Teletubbies.’ In most episodes of the 1990s children’s TV show, the narrator would give a mawkish ‘Ah!’ and tell everyone to hug Tinky Winky or Laa-Laa or some other character who had suffered a minor setback such as a milk spillage or muddying a knee. Up went the cry: ‘Big hug,’ and the assembled company would huddle for a communal embrace.Soccer players hugging

Now hugging appears to be everywhere. We British might once have kept our distance, but that national tendency to show restraint has ‘almost’ gone. Hugging has taken over. It has become an epidemic. A plague. At professional sports grounds, political rallies, corporate bonding weekends — even in church services — hugging  holds sway.images 

An England rugby player scores a try against lowly Italy? Once he would have trotted back to his own half with maybe the occasional pat on the back and remark of: ‘Well done, Perkins.’

article-2585820-1C7398DF00000578-188_634x620A Ryder Cup golfer sinks a putt? Up comes the caddy and they’re soon groping like the couple from Last Tango In Paris. Politics is just as bad. At party conferences a nervous activist makes her debut speech. It is not particularly good but she completes it, just. Down the stage gallops the party leader, clapping like a sea lion, arms held wide like a giant crab. Whoompf. The activist is engulfed whole, like a cocktail sausage canape. Why do politicians do it? Look at me, the hug says. I am human. I emote! No hugging, I’m British!President_Harry_Truman_and_Winston_Churchill_shake_hands_on_the_steps_of_Truman's_residence_during_the_Potsdam_conference,_16_July_1945._BU8944It has to be said that I am not a hugger, nor do I return a high five, or a fist bump, and never would I ever, offer – or return – a continental kiss on both cheeks… Just a bloody good hand shake so we know where we stand. After all, I am English first and foremost, and British there after… You can shake on it!            Yours Aye.

Natural advertising, naturally!

Natural-not!The Pretenders – Nothing “Natural” About Them The Natural Effect, naturally?

barrymanilowplasticsurgeryAbout as natural as Barry Manilow… or the transexual Amanda Lepore Amanda-LeporeA tongue in cheek look at the advertising agency that does hold a serious message. It’s high time some one took the advertising agencies to task, and made them accountable for their sins.      Yours Aye.