The tale of ‘un œuf pourri.’

The tale of ‘un œuf pourri.’ This morning a kindly soul went out of their way to drop off one dozen free-range eggs onto my doorstep. When I say ‘drop off’ I obviously meant ‘placed the eggs’ within a cardboard egg container onto my doorstep, as I was away walking the canine’s at the time and found them on my return. A simple gesture of gratitude for a small favour I carried out a few days ago, an act I greatly appreciated as it meant scrambled eggs with toast for breakfast would soon follow.Free_Range_Chickens Throughout my adult years I have only ever fallen ‘foul’ of  opening one rotten sulphurous egg (for those among you who have endured the same you will agree, it is ‘un œuf pourri’ too many.) As a young lad under instruction from my Gran I would often dunk eggs in a bowl to test their freshness, which is how I discovered todays rotten little blighter. One out of the dozen bobbed and floated atop the surface, while the remainder slowly sunk like ‘sun-dodgers’ of the silent service – to settle gently on their side. morning_picdump_230_640_20  When ever I drop left over food into the small kitchen waste bin, Nipper religiously follows like a shadow – this time as I dropped the egg into the bin Nipper was nowhere to be seen. A wise choice as it turned out as I was about to suffer through my negligence…dog_nose1-296x300 A human has about 5 million scent glands, compared to a dog, who has anywhere from 125 million to 300 million. TRUE!

The egg cracked open in the bin – just as 5 million of my scent glands detonated and almost forced my gag reflex to its maximum purge (several times!) But I managed to hold on to my early morning ‘pre-amble’ cuppa-char and fig roll – by maintaining a stiff upper lip and arching one eye brow, whilst thinking of Queen and Country – all under the watchful eye of Great Aunt Gertrude’s sepia coloured photograph! Having promptly ditched the bin outside I returned to scratch scrambled eggs from the morning menu, settling instead for fruit and toast for breakfast (sat in a wafting haze of Cotton Fresh Febreeze air freshner.) Three snouts combining 900 million scent glands soon joined me, as the divine smell of fresh toasted bread hit the air…      Yours Aye.

Ladies & Gentlemen-Bottom’s Up!

Trendy new cocktail bar opens in a public toiletsand it’s called ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’ With property prices in central London rising one entrepreneur has converted a former public toilet into a fashionable new bar. By Sam Matthew for MAILONLINE24074B6E00000578-2872763-image-a-52_1418492277568

Will Borrell has opened the aptly named ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’ after an 18 month battle with residents over the abandoned underground restrooms. The businessman, who owns a Polish vodka company, has even named a cocktail ‘Nimby’ (Not In My Back Yard) after the local residents who tried to block the bar in Kentish Town, north-west London.

Mr Borrell has secured a 15 year lease for the former public toilets and has restored the building, which features a pre World War Two marble floor and traditional beams. The toilets and a wall of urinals have also been restored and a kitchen added. ‘We are signing up to a council scheme that means our toilets will be open to the public,’ said Mr Borrell.

“My Lords, Ladies, and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure (and it always will) to welcome you all to this grand lavatorial opening. Pray stand, or remain seated, dependent upon your requirement, and raise your glass and join me in a toast” – “May your public convenience always be flush with success!” – “Bottom’s Up!”     Yours Aye.

Just couldn’t resist it… ;-)

What a load of baubles!

Forget about the Christmas tree! BEARD baubles are the new must-have hipster accessory this Decemberand they’re already selling out! A London advertising agency invented beard baubles as a decoration for their company Christmas card. The facial accessories are now a global hit, with customers in the US and Australia. All proceeds from the baubles go to Beardseason, an initiative to raise awareness for the fight against Melanoma.DECK YOUR BEARDS WITH LOTS OF BAUBLESChristmas-tree-BEARD-baubles-new-hipster-accessory-for-December-selling-out.images

‘Oh my giddy Aunt!’ On a serious note; a big thumbs up for a charitable cause, as all of the proceeds from the facial accessories go to the charity ‘Beardseason.’   Yours Aye.

‘Sheeple’ on Black Friday

sheeple2Apparently, today over here in the UK is (was) Black Friday? It has been reported that this is the second year that such an event has appeared on the calendar, where upon the easily led ‘sheeple’ queue in an orderly fashion for several hours in the bitter cold waiting for stores and shops to open – to bag a bargain. ‘Sheeple’ en-route to ASDA  (Walmart) —->  

Upon opening time the ‘sheeple turn into bare knuckle fighters, and power their way into the store entrance, leaving Marquess of Queensberry rules outside. Jungle rules ensue, and the melee of ‘sheeple’ use everything in their skirmish- including the kitchen sink and boxed TV sets as weapons on each other in order to grab a bargain!3116667016Now here comes the educational part for my fellow Briton’s ignorant of the facts In 2013 Asda (part of Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.) announced its “Walmart’s Black Friday by ASDA” campaign promoting the Black Friday concept in the UK. A number of other online and in store companies followed suit, and now certain chain stores celebrate the American tradition, although others appear skeptical, with one trade publication labelling it ‘simply an Americanism, which doesn’t translate very well!’ The easily led brainless ‘sheeple’ fall for it hook line and sinker; a gimmick on items that have previously been cheaper earlier in the year – that can also be purchased online and delivered for free to their own field home before Christmas?  An errant ‘sheeple’ cornered by ‘sheeple’ dogs earlier today!black_friday_take-downIt has to be said; there appears to be a certain type of person with a branded mentality that fits within the ‘sheeple’ range. The same type sits glued to their television screens, and are easily swayed by slick advertising, especially those who favour the lime green fields stores of ASDA. 1564dca116d0d21722814b5693dc14bbefd4db3e946e456ef17d46ec0d943638

Fortunately the great majority of the general public ignore such promotions, and act more dignified when shopping prior to Christmas. Though I did have to stand in a queue of three people at my local farm shop today, where I purchased half a pound of pork & apple sausage, two-pound of bacon, and a lamb chop…     ‘Yours Aye’ 

Always look on the bright side of life

Why thousands Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life: Monty Python tune is new favourite song to be played at funerals.1416540447061_Image_galleryImage_Paul_Hennessy00012_jpgBritain’s baby boomers are choosing to face the final curtain with a laugh with Monty Python’s irreverent hit Always Look on the Bright Side of Life topping the charts as the most popular funeral song. The tongue-in-cheek ‘ditty’ poking fun at death has replaced Frank Sinatra’s My Way as the most popular song played at funerals – the first time the song has been toppled from the number one spot since 2002.  The song, written by Eric Idle, was taken from the controversial 1979 film The Life of Brian

‘Always look on the bright side of life.’
[whistling]
Always look on the light side of life.
[whistling]
If life seems jolly rotten,
There’s something you’ve forgotten,
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps,
Don’t be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle. That’s the thing.
And…
Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistling]
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistling]
For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It’s your last chance, anyhow.
So,…
Always look on the bright side of death,
[whistling]
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
[whistling]
Life’s a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke. It’s true.
You’ll see it’s all a show.
Keep ‘em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And…
Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistling]

There are far worse things happen at sea…      Yours Aye.

For the want of a time machine…

Ysl9uYV

I require assistance in getting a message to Jacob Von Hogflume! My intention is to seek a ride back in time to around 1980 (pre Falklands War & a pre Digital life style) where my sole intention would be to sign up once again. I promise to make all of the mistakes of my past (well almost all – barring three) where I will gladly accept every scar, broken bones, torn ligaments, and near misses (several I am aware of) with the greatest of pleasure…time-travel-tardisObviously I will be taking a large collection of historical winning LOTTO numbers back with me just to ease the pain somewhat, though I will be supporting quite a few good causes with the winnings. If you don’t hear from me for a while, then you will know that ‘Jacob’ has been in touch.      Yours Aye.          (The canine’s will be coming along too!)

Juggling several balls & a piano

JugglerThe past few days have been quite hectic to say the least, due in part to helping friends close by, unexpected visitors from afar, and a few long-planned commitments thrown in.images

I’m pretty adept at juggling several balls in the air, but now and again someone tosses in a baby elephant, and a grand piano into the set, which almost catches me out as it means taking my eye off the lead ball to reconfigure every thing. I suppose it’s all about timing and balance, combined with a sense of humour and the flexibility of a rubber duck!  ‘Quack bloody Quack’ – you can’t crack me I’m a rubber duck!)
001732074

The good news is – I have finished my juggling routine for this summer, and the balls are back in their cardboard box. Though I have no idea where the baby elephant or the grand piano went. Not my problem anymore; until next year perhaps…      Yours Aye.

Keep Calm & Roll With It

Roll with the times: U.S. company takes the cardboard strengthening roll OUT of toilet paper for first time in a century in move to cut down on waste. 1409126948532_wps_1_Tubeless_toilet_roll_ScotIt has been almost 125 years since a cardboard tube was first inserted into a roll of toilet paper. But now engineers at an American company have decided to remove it and replace the tube with – nothing, in an attempt to cut down on waste. Kimberly-Clark Corp. says the simple step could eliminate a large chunk of 17 billion cardboard tubes thrown away each year – enough to fill the Empire State Building twice.

U.S. company takes the cardboard strengthening roll OUT of toilet paper roll…images I made my first pair of binoculars from two cardboard rolls as a 4-year-old. The end is nigh.               Yours Ayeroll with it

‘You gotta roll with it, you gotta take your time’ You Tube…  ;-)

Priceless Joe Biden strikes again

Gaffe-tastic Joe Biden thinks ‘Africa’ is a country, not a continent!article-2717393-2049362100000578-732_634x426 Gaffe #4,281: US Vice President Joe Biden told the US-Africa Business Forum on Tuesday that the ‘Nation’ of Africa should be among the world’s great economic powers… Vice President Joe Biden wants everyone to know that he has high hopes for the ‘Nation’ of Africa. Biden isn’t just a walking gaffe machine – he’s a walking gaffe top-ten list. So when he goofed at Tuesday’s U.S.-Africa Business Forum, and there was no F-bomb involved, it didn’t make headlines.   < < < ‘plink’ > > > The sound of a pin dropping…article-2717393-204A120D00000578-152_634x380 Not impressed: Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg sits with (from right to left) Djbouti President Ismail Omar Guelleh, South Sudan President Salva Kiir Mayardit, and other African leaders during the U.S.-Africa Business Forum in Washington images

But gaffe he did, in front of 50 world leaders and their entourages at the event held on the sidelines of President Barack Obama’s U.S. – Africa Leaders Summit. “If Africa’s governance and institutions can put its people in a position commensurate with their possibilities, the sky is the limit,” the V.P said Tuesday. “I mean, it is limitless.”​ “There’s no reason the Nation of Africa cannot and should not join the ranks of the world’s most prosperous nations in the near term, in the decades ahead. There is simply no reason. Joe Biden thinks ‘Africa’ is a country, not a continent!

For any 5-year-olds reading this; Africa is a ‘Continent’ made up of 54 separate ‘Countries’ that includes island ‘Nations’ off its coastlines. Keep them coming Joe…      Yours Aye.

Head down, chest out, and charge…

DSC_0017This mornings early hedgerow walk with Nipper resulted in numerous lumps and bumps around his eyes, snout, muzzle, and chest, that have since stopped irritating thanks to a solution of ‘Anthisan’ wash and cream. The lumpy rash being the grand result of stinging nettles brought about from his constant rabbit hole foraging.

He is totally fearless when it comes to the chase, each of which results in failure, as it’s the chase that matters, not the capture. Although he returns upon command I fear he will attempt a crack at the rabbits that use their escape route through the wild rose patch, the thorns of which are true wait-a-while’s. (You will ‘wait a while’ until someone cuts you free!)wait awhile thorns

Drastic times call for drastic measures… Personally I would never dress my Staffie’s up for show though each have their own black harness that obviously is a practical piece of kit for the great outdoors. Last summer in broad daylight I saw a ‘French Poodle’ being walked through a park in York. Unbelievably the owner and the dog were wearing matching coloured outfits, the dog was dressed in a purple tutu, while the owner wore a purple T-shirt, and matching skinny jeans. It being a French Poodle the sight didn’t take me by surprise, some things are meant to be?  ;-)  Boxer model shown belowDoggles-Dog-Goggles-1I have since spent over an hour trawling the w.w.w. perusing various items that may well save Nipper from himself. My solution to Nipper’s harrying tactics may prove comical, but it could prove practical in the long run. It is with a heavy heart that I place the order…. Yours Aye.

Royal Air Force humanity and splendour

Images which lay bare the humanity and splendour of the Royal Air Force. Members of the public can for the first time vote for their favourite image representing Britain’s Royal Air Force. Air force chiefs are inviting people to decide which picture from the RAF Photographic Competition captures the essence of the service.1407173286172_wps_25_Undated_MoD_handout_photo‘Warming Up for D-Day': The photograph was taken as this newly painted BBMF (Battle of Britain Memorial Flight) Spitfire was returning from its maiden flight in D-Day colours.1407173573515_wps_33_Undated_MoD_handout_photo 

Each year stunning photographs of servicemen and women are published following the annual competition, which is judged by leading figures in the photographic industry. But this year, in a first for the Armed Forces, the public can have their say by voting in an online poll.

Judges have selected a shortlist of nine images from among the various categories of the competition, which admits entries from military and civilian photographers working in public relations for the RAF.  ‘A breath of fresh air’1407173518629_wps_32_Undated_MoD_handout_photo‘Shark Attack': An RAF Typhoon appears like a shark… Images which lay bare the humanity and splendour of the RAF: Public to decide which best captures the essence of the service                Voting is online at    http://www.raf.mod.uk/photo-of-the-year-2014

Call me old-fashioned if you will; but, if I want a delicate tune knocked out I’ll call upon a Real Military Band, which follows that if I require ‘fast jet-close air support’ from a service that offers the same I would wish to see a Typhoon over my shoulder. Due to impending Government cut backs I will settle for a Spitfire. Sod the humanity and splendour, I’ll go for killing capability, and proven historic ability each and every time…      Yours Aye.     

N.B. RAF brylcreem boys are a sweet-scented delicate lot, so as not to hurt their feelings I have deliberately played down the tempo of this post, and not referred to them by their known military nickname ;-)

Flush with success!

Ex Bootneck’s back! Apologies for the lack of new material over the past five days, which has been down to a blockage. Not a mental blockage, but one relating to a partial collapse in the main Edwardian-era sewer pit that collects the ‘essence’ from my property.

Allow me to enlighten you. After returning from a very early morning walk to beat the heat, it soon became apparent that the heads, sinks and bathroom in my humble abode were malfunctioning. ‘Not a problem’ thought I. ‘Out with the old bamboo clearing rods, followed by a good long shower, and a hearty Sunday breakfast.’ After 2 hours of ‘rodding’ and cursing, my planned chill out Sunday turned into a mid-summer nightmare… I was facing the blockage from HELL!

To find the brick sewer tank required clearing a dense 6ft high – 20ft x 16ft rectangle patch of wild rose. To get to the concrete lintel covers beneath the patch required digging out 2ft of earth that was thick with roots; followed by a 2ft deep x 40ft extended trench dig that covered the pot drainpipes leading towards my humble abode, where upon I found yet another feed drain that took its source from the main drain alongside the garage. Without going into the gory details, I have spent the last five days toiling in the heat of 84’F, wearing thick industrial waders, stood waist deep in a sewer pit originally built by Irish navvies, one of whom left his name scrawled in concrete for posterity. If you are looking in ‘Niall – 1911′ then you are indeed a lucky man to have lived so long!

Nature in the form of wild rose ‘bush-roots’ defeated the navvies amazing engineering feat, by slowly forcing and lifting several concrete lintels each weighing 168 lbs to gain entry into the moist tank; prising a single brick into the tank blocking an exit hole for good measure. For the past few years the liquid essence has belonged to the rose-bush, which has used its nourishing source to grow and flourish like no other plant around. At least I was blessed with the scent of wild roses, as I shovelled and cut out the root system from within the depths of the cake and liquid hell. Where are the bloody Royal Engineers or SeaBee’s when you need them… ;-)

Upon completion this lunchtime, I have now re-named the property’s drainage system on the house plans as follows; (Drain 1) ‘Tony Blair Drain.’ (Drain 2) ‘Gordon Brown Drain,’ (Edwardian sewer pit) ‘Socialist Labour Party.’ (Hand made, hand laid, sewer pipes feeding the system) ‘European Union,’ which I feel is justly deserved because of what runs through it!

As a young Marine without a care in the world; I was ‘always in the s**t, it was only the depth that varied!’      Yours Aye.

Monty Python puritans listen up!

And now for something completely PC: Monty Python stars censor ‘Chinese only come up to your knees’ song for big O2 reunion. For decades they cheerfully offended millions of TV viewers and cinema-goers with their attacks on religion and the Establishment. But Monty Python have finally succumbed to the censor, as they give one of their songs a politically correct makeover for the troupe’s sold-out reunion shows at London’s O2. ‘Pythons’ drop lines from their 1980 song ‘I Like Chinese.’article-0-1F69AE0D00000578-658_634x419  In the original version of the song, written by Eric Idle, he used to sing: ‘I like Chinese, I like Chinese, They only come up to your knees, Yet they’re always friendly, and they’re ready to please.’ But in the version performed at the O2, Idle now sings: ‘I like Chinese, I like Chinese. They copy everything they sees. But they’re up on the boom so they’ll do as they please.’ Fellow Python Terry Jones said: ‘Eric obviously knows why he changed the lyrics. I suppose it was dropped for reasons of political correctness.’ And now for something completely PC: Monty Python censor ‘Chinese only come up to your knees’ song for big O2 reunion.

Fortunately I do not have a politically correct bone running throughout my inoffensive body, so for the Python puritans out there; the following original 1980 version for your edification, accompanied by the lyrics for a good old sing-song.  Yours Aye.   Offence never intended, just a stand against the bloody PC brigade…I like chinese

“I Like Chinese.” Eric Idle of Monty Python. 1980 Original version…

‘The world today seems absolutely crackers, With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky-high. There’s fools and idiots sitting on the trigger. It’s depressing, and it’s senseless, and that’s why…’

(sing-along)
I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They only come up to you knees,
Yet they’re always friendly and they’re ready to to please.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
There’s nine hundred million of them in the world today,
You’d better learn to like them, that’s what I say.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They come from a long way overseas,
But they’re cute, and they’re cuddly, and they’re ready to please.

I like chinese food,
The waiters never are rude,
Think the many things they’ve done to impress,
There’s maoism, taoism, I Ching and chess.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
I like their tiny little trees,
Their zen, their ping-pong, their ying and yang-eze.

I like chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confusious taught,
If Darwin is anything to shout about,
The chinese will survive us all without any doubt.

So, I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They only come up to you knees,
Yet they’re wise, and they’re witty, and they’re ready to please

Wo, ai zhong guo ren,
Wo, ai zhong guo ren,
Wo, ai zhong guo ren,
Ni hao ma, Ni hao ma, Ni hao ma zai jian.

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
Their food is guaranteed to please,
A fourteen, a seven, a nine and li-chese

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
I like their tiny little trees,
Their zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-eze

I like chinese,
I like chinese,
They only come up to your knees (fade out…) ;-)

‘Don’t go out master, there be demons!’

Through personal choice and planning I vary my daily routine; specific work and social appointments are the only timings set in concrete. Inevitably my three canines play a major part in my life, their individual requirements for the outdoors being a priority (and mine)… Each day as I undergo my ablutions they remain motionless; quite content to take advantage of the cool morning air that settles on the landing surrounding their sleeping area. It all changes as soon as they hear my walking boots hit the deck; two screaming banshee’s descend the stairs, followed by an old & bold canine warrior with 12 years experience under his fur (Joss is more of a plodder these days, but still up for it.)Fenced sanctuary So far summer has been amazing, the inner fenced garden surrounding my humble abode is proof of that. The outer three acres are also testimony to natures ability of unfettered wild growth, so much so that I had to call upon a tractor-mower to cut walking paths through the waist-high grass, as a mild dew on a morning walk required a boot and trouser change afterwards, with three soaking wet canines to dry off before breakfast.DSC_0043A few days ago just after lunch Joss submitted his ‘snooze chit,’ deferring attendance from our field walk. Hannah as usual tore off through the open access gate that leads into the field, Nipper started then declined to follow, which is most unusual and the first time ever! Even as I passed by and called for him to follow on he just refused to budge from his stance, then he turned and trotted back to the door step pushing up against the glass panel door to enter the house. It was a fine day of which the top picture bears testament, aided by glorious sunshine with a good easterly breeze coming in from North Sea. Hannah returned to find Nipper but he was having none of it, he wanted to be back indoors so I obliged his request, which left Hannah and I to walk on without him.Storm cloud pressure wave As I entered the field through the access gate it soon became apparent why Nipper also deferred, even Hannah was now having second thoughts. Just then a loud rumble of rolling thunder echoed in the far distance. A huge dark weather system was fast rolling in from the west, on top of which sat a curved slim pressure cloud, daylight was slowly turning to dusk at 13:00 hrs? The ominous dark clouds were forcing a drop in air pressure, some thing bad or unpleasant was about to happen so I went and grabbed a camera… At the point of reaching for the camera all three canines were snuggled up in one bed basket, of which Joss was none too happy about.   ‘Don’t go out master, there be demons!’DSC04098The wind was still blowing in from the east, and yet the weather system was rolling in hard from the west (any Meteorological Officers looking in?) Surrounding wildlife had sought shelter, all was still save for the incredibly loud ‘boom’ of rolling thunder, after which an ear-splitting crack of lightning hit the ground. The demons had arrived, and yours truly departed at the double tactically withdrew and headed indoors! There was no room in the dogs basket so I decided to put the kettle on, at which point my humble abode suffered an absolute power cut… Bugger, and far too early for a tot of rum…  Click all pics to enlarge Rolling thunderSitting and pondering life whilst twiddling my thumbs, I suddenly remembered the emergency gas stove and steam kettle. Joy of joy’s, salvation was mine ‘a pot of tea was soon to be.’ I hauled the emergency box out of its hide’y hole and set every thing up; ‘just as the power kicked in and returned civilisation to my humble abode.’ Being stubborn I flashed up the gas and boiled the water into steam the old-fashioned way. Never did a pot of tea taste so good, along with a digestive biscuit, or two! The rattle of the biscuit tin brought down two screaming banshee’s from atop the stairs, followed by Joss the plodder. The field walk was back on as daylight returned. The demons and their mode of transport had rolled over, they were now heading out across the North Sea en-route to the land of the Vikings, Denmark and Norway. No match what so ever for the strength of Yorkshire tea slurped from a tin mug.      Yours Aye.  

Where there’s Yorkshire tea, there be no demons!’

‘Do not use in direct sunlight’

Malaysian man comes up short after buying £100 penis enlarger online… but gets sent a £5 magnifying glass with warning ‘Do not use in sunlight’article-2647074-0B6442C000000578-803_634x372A vain Malaysian man who ordered a penis enlarger online was stunned when the device was delivered – a magnifying glass! To add insult to injury the magnifying glass came with an instruction that would at least prevent the man from causing injury to himself. It read: Do Not Use in Sunlight. The victim of an elaborate scam, which cost him the equivalent of £100- ($167-) for a £5 magnifyer has been named only as Ong, the chairman of Malaysia’s customer complaints bureau, Mr Seri Michael Chong, told The Star newspaper. ‘As you can imagine, he is feeling rather disgruntled,’ said Mr Chong. Malaysian-man-buys-£100-penis-enlarger-online-gets-sent-magnifying-glass

He could always take up stamp collecting?            Yours Aye.

A young married couple were making their first visit to the Doctors surgery after discovering the wife was pregnant. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small rubber stamp and ink pad out of his drawer and gently stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible indian ink. The couple were curious over the reason for such stamping, but as it was their first time they just accepted it as normal. When they got home the husband dug out his ‘magnifying glass’ to view the small inked mark. In very tiny letters the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.” ;-)