It’s 20:30hrs, and minus 7’Celcius (19’Farenheight); I hear an ominous solid thump followed by wheels grinding. As I take a peek into the dark of winter from my upstairs window I witness a set of car headlamps slowly sailing by in slow motion, someone has almost come to grief on the ice coated country lane outside of my humble abode. Fortunately the driver of the car managed to clip the high grassy bank that ballistically threw them back onto the road, which then careened further on downhill – side ways! No doubt he will be fine after a change of undergarments. Last year around this time three unfortunates were not so lucky – nor was my hedgerow, as well as my brick gate post. Dec 27th 2013: Nissan 4×4 Vs Gate Post – Resulting In A Draw: Both were a complete write off!
Having viewed the vehicular aerobatics display I decided to don thermals and stout boots, and grabbed a bag of rock salt to scatter 100ft either side along the road of my drive entrance (a far cheaper option than replacing brick columns and ancient hedgerows!)
As I finished I noticed a set of dull headlamps uphill in the far distance, which obviously belonged to a very sick vehicle as they were dying before me. Being a decent hand I walked along the grassy bank towards the vehicle, guided by my trusty Petzl Head Torch. Low and behold! Sat within the glass condensed foreign coffin sat a shivering youth with a small towel around his scrawny shoulders. The reason for his trembling attack was quite obvious, he was dressed for summer…? Model shown right – not the actual shivering halfwit – but similarly dressed!
He stepped out of his car, and went straight down on his arse – rubber soled canvas shoes tend to let you down that way on ice. “You obviously haven’t got a jacket with you,” says I – “N-n-n-no,” replies he. I gave him my fleece jacket to wear as he was in a bad way. It turns out that the alternator hadn’t been charging the car’s battery (nor his mobile phone) and he had been sat waiting for well over an hour in the hope that a kind soul would stop and help him – on a barely used ‘C class’ road in the middle of the sticks? Having assumed the position of driver, my new-found passenger held the head torch out of his open window to illuminate the downhill stretch before us. Gear stick in neutral with the hand brake off, and slowly we roll forward – gathering sufficient speed to allow the clapped out vehicle to be safely deposited into my drive. “Fancy a cup of tea mate?” – “And I hope you like dogs, as your going to meet three of them!”
~ The Best Style In Winter Is Common Sense ~
Using my land line, eighteen year old
simple Simon called his parents who agreed to pick him up. Having warmed up sufficiently (a bowl of spiffing homemade soup, tea, and a doorstep sized piece of Christmas cake) I took him into the garage, and showed him what a winter prepped car should carry - not a small towel in sight! We both agreed he was a halfwit of the highest order, his father also agreed on the same theory when he arrived an hour later to take him back from whence he came. Not for Simon the luxury of being dropped off at his girlfriends home, which was his original destination. Yours Aye.
EPILOGUE: Upon my return from this mornings long field walk with the canines, I noticed the clapped out ‘foreign’ Citroen was no longer an eyesore on my drive. Instead a thing of beauty sat on my doorstep – in the guise of a lovely bottle of COCKBURN’S FINE RUBY PORT, accompanied by a small thank you card from young Simon. Obviously his father has taste, and brought his son up correctly. I have since waited until sunset to spray the country lane outside of my humble abode with water, as the air temperature has quickly dropped once again. The iced web has been spun, the trap is set, “Will you walk into my parlour?” said the Spider to the Fly.” Who knows; It may assist in adding to my collection of bottles from Porto