Built for Sailors, the BMW M5

There is a retired Navy Warrant Officer who owns a BMW M5. I know, cuz I’ve sat in it when a certain female buddy of his, also a naval officer, has winged it around curves, dragged straightaways, taken off-ramps on a maximum of three tires. All the while you’d find me gently cooing to myself, alternating between Keep it together, man and Papa like, papa really like. . .

However monstrous that BMW M5 was, it pales in comparison to the new BMW M5:

2013 BMW M5
2013 BMW M5

Here is a list of syllables I’ve uttered while checking the speedometer in the Bavarian company’s new 560-horsepower, 190-miles-per-hour supersedan: J’aah! Gawwwwwddd. Nooo! Like its rivals in the factory-tuner sedan wars—the Mercedes-Benz E63 AMG S-Model, the Audi RS6, the Cadillac CTS-V, the Jaguar XFR-S—the M5 is a breathtaking, world-blurring outrage, a fast car for real nutters, people whose egos generate their own weather. . .

et me hit you with some numbers, courtesy of our friends at Car and Driver: 0-60 mph in 3.7 seconds; quarter-mile in 12 flat; 0-150 mph in 18.3 seconds. I’m pretty sure this $90,000-plus, 4,387-pound, five-seat executive saloon is quicker, and would be faster in one lap around your average road course, than a Ferrari F430. I’m no theologian, but somebody has got to go to Hell for this.

Now we gotta talk the Warrant into upgrading. . .

3 thoughts on “Built for Sailors, the BMW M5”

  1. I am more of a Mercedes man myself, especially the GL 4×4 range as I can load up my mountain bike and sufficient kit for an ‘over nighter’. With the seats down I have enough room to sleep comfortably (and the bike stay inside too)!

    That said BMW do make decent vehicles, tech engineering appears to be in the Deutsche DNA!

    Permit me the following…

    A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, tearing it completely off. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer complained bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

    “Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeemer”! he said whiningly.
    “You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick” retorted the officer,
    “you’re so worried about your stupid BMW that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off”!

    “Oh my god”! Replied the lawyer, noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “where’s my Rolex”?


    A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-range Beemer saloon and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind loudly…

    Very embarrassed, she stares ahead nervously to see if anyone has noticed her social blunder, and prays that a sales person doesn’t appear. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

    Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam, how may I help you today”? Very uncomfortably; but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, “what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”

    He answers, “Madam, if you passed wind just touching it, you are going to crap yourself when I tell you the price”!

    Yours Aye.

      1. EB: Love the jokes. I read them aloud over here and got some good guffaws. I confess a weakness for sportscars. Coupes to be exact. I like quick and nimble. Probably the reason why I PT by jumping over candlesticks.
        Kris: Haha, he has!

Comments are closed.