Confession time: I do not know a single Justin Bieber song. Ni uno.
Nor would I recognize the post-tweener’s adolescent shriek from an audio line-up of similar sound criminals. (Number three, turn to the left. Check that. I mean: number three, please sing one octave lower. Damn boy, put some bass in yo’ face!)
When a co-worker mentioned his name, I confessed to her the above admission. That I was Bieb-ignorant.
So she sang me some song with Baby, Something-or-other in it. Maybe: Baby, Baby, Baby? She also told me that her 4-year old son absolutely loved to sing the tender ballad, much to her chagrin.
I have alluded to the Bieb before in this blog, because the Middle-Aged Kids on the Block (MAKOTB), David Cassidy, and the Hansens were otherwise busy. Plus, them dusty idols are long in the tooth, some very long.
And the Bieb’ster is so today, as in now. Not for me, but to millions of screaming, adoring fans who view him as the “it” teeny-bopper of his 1/4 generation. (A tweeny-bopster has a shelf-life. Most do not last a whole generation, not even half.)
Why am I discussing this kid crooner whom I know nothing about, other than using his name as both a punching bag and a punchline? (Hmmmm, what’s with the over-abundance of punching going on here? Aggression issues, I may have them.)
In the military, you are issued one haircut. It is called short.
And the Bieb’s older cut did quite not fit the regs. Do I need to count the ways? (Allusion to the Victorian poetic genius, Elizabeth Barrett Browning: How out of regs is your haircut, let me count the ways.)
What I can tell you, from intelligence gleaned and gleamed from the pictures posted here: he likes purple. In the first shot above, he is wearing a purple sweater from the fall 1982 Mr. Rogers collection.
And in the shot to the left (to the left, to the left), he is bathed in purple light, which rumor informs us is the most expensive light to bathe in. Per ten watts, it costs his management team (Bieber Unlimited Ltd.) approximately ten dollars for ten minutes. Like purple gold, it is. (Mnemonic rule of thumb to remember the cost ratios: 10 for 10 for 10. Or 10³.)
Still, his new ‘do caused some problemos. Most notably:
When Justin Bieber decided to change his hairstyle last February, Jay Foreman was not amused. The founder and CEO of toy manufacturer the Bridge Direct, estimates that Bieber’s small change cost Foreman’s company a big chunk of change, around $100,000.
His company makes dolls based on Bieber’s likeness. Not surprisingly, the dolls (we refuse to call them action figures) are a huge hit with kids. Foreman related his tale of woe to CNN Money.
Foreman was sitting at his desk when he heard shrieks coming from his co-workers. They’d just learned that Bieber had changed his trademark haircut, rendering the company’s hot-selling line of dolls outdated. Foreman had already begun manufacturing a new round of dolls with the star’s original haircut.
There, that is all. I have nothing left to say about the Bieb. But when researching this story, our hard-working research department came up with this:
Located in front of the Montparnasse Railway Station in Paris, this chalk drawing was created by Julian Beever to commemorate the 10th anniversary of a 2001 accident at a petrochemical plant.
Now what does this have to do with our boy Bieb-o? Well, two things. One, both articles are from Yahoo. And two, their names are almost the same and I double-took (did me a double-take*) when I saw the Beev’s name.
And I thought is it possible that the Bieber kid actually has talent? Pretty cruel for someone who has never heard his music, huh?
*Truth be told, I did two double-takes. Otherwise referred to (in more respected blogs) as the seldom seen, highly prized quadruple-take. You ever heard of forsaken? This is known as fourtaken. . .