Scene: a well-lit, federal courthouse. Two lawyers glare at each other from their respective tables. One resembles a dashing NavyOne and the other mirrors a serious, albeit delicate, Martina Navratilova. A jury of twelve jurors sits behind a generous slab of oak to the right, closer to Martina. And the judge, sort of a Glenn Reynolds look-a-like with Matt Drudge’s chapeau, perches authoritatively above them all.

NavyOne nods at the judge, stands, and begins to address the jury. As juror number 7, you feel as if this legal eagle is whispering sweet jurisprudence nothings to you and you alone.

NavyOne: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury. Welcome to court today! Thank you for your public service in agreeing to sit this jury. Today’s case focuses on a blogger, myself, accused of clown-manship. I intend to show, without a shadow of doubt, that I am not that which I am accused of. You will find me innocent of said, serious charge of clowning.

Let’s start with an analogy. If I were an animal and a blogger (alas, I repeat myself), which furry specimen would I resemble the most? A beaver? A bee? After all, both are busy, like bloggers. A moose? Deer? For the pair share the same plural as the singular. Meaning that a reader will never know if he is dealing with a pack of wild moose (not meeses, such as Ed Meese’s family) or a single moose, deer. Sounds confusing? How’s this: sometimes one blogger or a couple can form a pack of Davids against a much larger foe.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury (and any Marines among you), today I will prove that the very writer of this rag, myself, is not an animal, nor a clown! Rather, this individual, again me, is part PT and part Barnum. And when I say PT, I don’t mean this kind of PT. But of the blogging sort. And although Mr. Barnum employed clowns, he himself did not hoist their colors.

Judge (groaning, looking at his watch): Please call your first witness, counselor.

Me: Roger that Judge. I would like to call Mr. Barnum to the stand. (Elder gentleman is sworn in and sits.) Mr. Barnum, what can you tell us about this blog?

PT Barnum: Well, the Mellow Jihadi refers to himself in the third person and holds ridiculous competitions, like trying to get folks from small hollers like Liechtenstein to click over to his site. Most bloggers were not amused. One, Lil Chantilly accepted Mellow’s challenge. Then she promptly went to the Liechtenstein Kickboxing Facebook page and howdied up them Vaduz city-boys. And it wasn’t long before she had a little look-see of her own from across the pond.

Opposing counsel: Your Honor, may I approach?

Judge: Approach. Both of you.

Opposing counsel: This blogger, this so-called Mellow Jihadi, is making a mockery of the blogosphere. He clearly has no clue what he is doing. He is not attuned to the mores of this medium.

Judge: Mellow, what do you have to say for yourself? Do you understand the mores your opponent is referring to?

Me: Are you referring to eels, as in moray eels?

Opposing counsel (turning red): See, your honor! He makes a joke of this very institution.

Judge: Mellow! Can you defend yourself against this serious accusation?

Me: Your honor, I will try. How about this? I actually edit my commenter’s comments. For misspellings and grammar issues.

Opposing counsel: And this is supposed to sway us?

Judge: I will allow it, camp counselor. Please proceed.

Me: Judge, I have received many hilarious Google searches. May I present Exhibit A?

Opposing counsel: I object!

Me: On what grounds?

Judge (sighing): Overruled. Please present it to the jury.

Me (turning to you and the other jurors): Without further ado, the following are my favorite Google searches for the last two weeks or so. (I place a large poster board on a stand in clear view of the jury.)

Navy UDT Dive shorts

Exhibit A

german soldier with no hand (Yikes!)
numbers don’t lie but can be deceiving
if you deceived me in any significant way i would start running now (Yikes again.)
marines who love surfers (Hmm. Google sent them here?)
are the silk rug in al udeid real (Yes, I bought one.)
navy dive shorts dive shorts (You must like dive shorts!)

Opposing counsel: This proves absolutely nothing. Only that clowns apparently search for his site. The real truth behind a blog is the sort of spam it gets.

Me: Spam? Your honor, may I present Exhibit B, my spam?

Judge: Proceed. (I switch the original poster with a new poster.)

Exhibit B
I’m gonna watch out for brussels. (No!)
Whats up, I’m ranking high for “free justin bieber stuff”. (The Beebe? Who dat?)
It is always in season for old men to learn.
A drowning gentleman will clutch at a straw (Yikes.)
No guy can serve two masters
Infernal spirits aye, i be destitute of scratch matter take a fancy to this goal didnt regard leisure, may i repost this A Surfer, a Some one, and a Se maritime

Me: You will notice Judge, that the last piece of Argggh-worthy spam contains some evidence of a bot translating one of my posts into Spanish and then perhaps back to English.

Judge (groaning again): I am ready to rule in this matter. (He shakes his head slowly.) Mellow, you are found guilty of tomfoolery. The punishment of said crime is a severe lashing with a single strand of vermicelli. That is all. . .

Opposing counsel (exchanges a look with me and whispers): The Macaroni Grill? We can get some great vermicelli there.

Me: Sure. Say six-ish?

You (standing and pointing at the opposing counsel): Hey, aren’t you Martina what’s-her-name? Motorola?

Opposing counsel: Martina? No. Now ‘vat gave you that idea?

Apologies to Legal Eagles/Hawks/Pigeons everywhere. . .